


Fckboy

by noraphi



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know how to tag this, M/M, POV Alternating, hoseok is somewhere on the asexual spectrum, sideship kiheon/jooki but it's minji, something like that, strangers to romantic friends to lovers?, thirsty changkyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2020-05-14 20:57:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19281046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noraphi/pseuds/noraphi
Summary: Rumors say that Changkyun is a fuckboy, and maybe that's true, but then, he scores a date with the hottest guy on campus and ends up confused.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to this mess.  
> Please expect pure self-indulgence, slow updates and no explicit smut.  
> 

Turns out Changkyun got out of bed for nothing, and it's fucking disappointing. He's now bored to his bones, scrolling through twitter while waiting for the prof to enter the lecture hall, and honestly, he'd rather still be covered in the warmth of his sheets, especially since he didn't wake up alone. But then, he didn't have much of a choice anyway, with Kihyun bursting into his dorm room, giving him a speech about how he's free to fuck people but not his life, yadda yadda yadda. As if this lecture about basic statistics each Wednesday would actually be of any kind of importance to his future. So what the fuck is he even doing here?

“Can't believe I'm here when I could be just having another round with... Fuck, what was his name again?” Changkyun halts, squinting his eyes. Damn it.

Kihyun snorts. “Did your mind palace collapse while banging too hard?”

“Fuck you,” Changkyun replies. “My mind palace is a solid masterpiece. I just didn't particularly care. My bad.” He looks back onto his phone. “Doesn't matter anyway.”

“Wonder where those fuckboy rumors are coming from,” Kihyun chuckles, and Changkyun grunts amused.

So yeah, people call him a fuckboy. Who cares. It's not exactly his fault. They just like to blame him for not giving a fuck about that fairy tale called love. Sorry, not sorry, but there's no magical moment when he's looking into their eyes. What's he supposed to find there anyway? Do they expect him to fall onto his knees for a pretty color he's seen a million times before? It's not his job to make them feel special. Just as nobody gives him a particularly special feeling in return. So, fuck it.

He opens Instagram and the first thing popping up in his feed is a photo of Kihyun and his new girlfriend, of course. Tz. He double taps it anyway, despite that little hint of disappointment scratching at his sternum.

“You know,” Changkyun huffs, “Hanging out with you was much more fun when we were still fooling around.” They've been skipping class all the time just to make out. Good old times. But like, that time was just two months ago.

“Yeah, I know,” Kihyun snickers, pulling out a paper notebook and a pen from his shoulder bag as the prof finally appears. “Too bad, I'm determined to graduate next year and am unwilling to leave you behind. So, wait for the weekends to sleep in with your nameless hook-ups.”

Changkyun groans. He could care less about those. But still. “Is this dragging me to class now part of us being _just friends_?” he asks, air quoting his last words. “If so, I want a refund. And where the fuck is your laptop?”

“Minji has a presentation today,” Kihyun says, pushing his new glasses up his nose before clicking the ballpoint pen. “And for some reason her laptop doesn't work with the projector, so she's using mine.” He writes the date neatly into the right corner of his notebook.

“You're such a good boyfriend,” Changkyun says, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, it's fun. You should try it out some time as well.”

“Been there, didn't like that.” He shifts his focus back to his phone, not interested in that conversation again.

Because Kihyun knows he's been the closest thing to a relationship Changkyun's ever had, and they've been just friends with benefits. Yeah, too bad they scratched the benefits after Kihyun got some kind of nerd awakening, suddenly becoming a diligent student and eager to get his shit together. Turned out he met a girl. She made him want to improve himself, yadda yadda yadda, and Changkyun doesn't really get it. Kihyun's already been perfectly fine before.

But yeah, Changkyun did actually try it once, this whole dating and falling in love thing. When he was still in high school. He's been looking for those damn butterflies that had been promised to him by movies and books, but then, the only true excitement he was able to find was the one he had seen in porn, so, maybe calling him a fuckboy isn't that wrong after all...

Kihyun is jabbing into Changkyun's ribs. "You're crush's here." His grin is annoyingly audible. "Guess you'll stop sulking now."

"Shut up," Changkyun huffs, looking up, and his mood definitely changes while watching the hottest guy on campus finally taking a seat two rows below them.

He's the reason Kihyun's speech this morning didn't have to be convincing at all, and Changkyun puts his phone down, wetting his lips. Because look at those fucking broad shoulders. That man is a fucking wall.

"Give me a fucking measuring tape," Changkyun mutters to himself, and Kihyun snorts.

"Seems like you'd rather need some water."

"Mhm, the holy one," Changkyun hums, checking if his canines aren't increasing in size because he might be practically a vampire considering how much as he wants to sink his teeth into those damn fine muscles. Fuck, they are drawing the most teasing shadows into that sexy slim fit shirt, and Changkyun has seriously never seen a piece of fabric sitting so deliciously tight around arms thicker than his own thighs. It makes him almost groan, and he really doesn't care for the prof starting the lecture, nor about whatever Kihyun is muttering into his ear. He's too busy imagining his hands running over that gorgeous spine and under that shirt. Just thinking about touching those strong and defined curves makes Changkyun roll his eyes back in his head, but Kihyun nudges his leg.

"The tall guy is not coming," Kihyun whispers. "Are you going to take your chances?"

"You bet," Changkyun replies, ripping a piece of paper from Kihyun's notebook.

He might've been not bold enough to hit on that wet dream come true with his tall boyfriend around, but he's definitely bold enough to make a move behind his back.

"Be charming," Kihyun grins, offering him his pen, and Changkyun takes it.

"I know how this works," Changkyun huffs, writing his phone number on the paper. He adds a little _text me_ , and Kihyun is watching him folding the paper.

"But he seems like a different kind of caliber," he says, propping his head on one hand. "Might have to make some effort."

Changkyun snorts, returning the pen. "You're also a different kind of caliber, and I totally charmed you, didn't I?"

"Aww, are you flirting with me again?" Kihyun smirks.

"No," Changkyun replies, scratching his eyebrow with the note in his hand before looking up at Kihyun. "If I wanted to flirt with you, I'd told you that you look really cute in those glasses," he smirks back, and it’s so easy when you know which buttons to push.

Kihyun snorts, leaning back in his seat, pushing his new glasses up his nose again. "Yeah, whatever. Proceed." There's a rosy blush blooming on his cheeks, and it's really fucking cute.

So it's now Changkyun's turn to put his elbow on the table, propping up his chin with a grin. "So, like, you going home with me tonight, or what?"

"Proceed with him," Kihyun huffs, pointing at the hottie two rows below. "Not with me. I'm monogamous now."

Changkyun rolls his eyes. "You're not getting tired of saying that, are you?"

"Nope." Kihyun's grin returns.

"You're actually happy, huh?"

"Yep."

"Gross," Changkyun huffs, leaning back. "I suddenly feel the need to choke on a dick. Preferably hi-"

"Shhhh," a blonde guy right in front of Changkyun hisses at them.

"Perfect timing," Changkyun says, holding the folded paper out to the blonde. "That's for him." He points at the sexy back, and the blonde is staring angrily at him before rolling his eyes and taking the paper out of his hand anyway. 

While watching the blond poking those fine broad shoulders, passing on the note, Changkyun is biting his lip to keep the excitement under control. It's those few seconds when he's starting the game and there's still a 50/50 chance the other doesn't want to play that he loves the most.

But seriously, he wasn't prepared for that heavy drop in his guts, as if he missed a step of stairs, when that stunning man is finally looking up at him, and it's as if Changkyun is recognized by those deep dark eyes that are instantly glittering with amusement at him. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

"Did he just smirk at you?" Kihyun snickers after the handsome face turned back to the front.

"I don't fucking know," Changkyun mutters, observing the movement in that muscled back, indicating that he's pulling out his phone, and Changkyun's lock screen is lighting up a moment later with a text from an unknown number.

_What's up, cutie?_

"Definitely not shy," Kihyun grins, looking over Changkyun's shoulder.

"Aren't you here for the lecture," Changkyun grunts, pushing Kihyun away. "So pay attention to the front. Daddy's busy here."

Kihyun snorts, but gives him some space, so Changkyun replies. _Plans on Friday night?_

The answer comes promptly. _Depends. Why?_

_How about drinks at Pino's with me?_

Changkyun doesn't receive an immediate answer, and he's not exactly surprised. Everyone knows about Pino's being a gay bar, and Changkyun doesn't like beating around the bush. Especially not since he saw the guy being quite affectionate with his boyfriend. So Changkyun looks up and is surprised to find those dark eyes facing him again, mustering him actually until those pretty lips curl into a grin before facing the front again.

 _I'll think about it,_ the hottie replies.

_Need to ask your boyfriend for permission?_

_Cute._  
_No, there’s no boyfriend_

Changkyun digs his elbow into Kihyun's ribs. "No boyfriend," he whispers at him, and Kihyun gives him a half-hearted thumbs up while his other hand is busy taking notes. What the-? He's seriously paying attention to the lecture? "I'm disowning you."

"Hush," Kihyun just says and his tongue is sticking out again when he starts drawing a table grid, and Changkyun knows his friend is a lost cause.

 _Cool_ , he types into his phone instead. _So, what's your name?_

_Hoseok_

_I'm Changkyun_

_I know_

"How the-?" Changkyun mumbles. _You do?_

_People talk_

_They obviously do._ Fuck my life, Changkyun groans to himself.

_Makes me curious about you_

Changkyun halts for a second. “He's fucking flirting with me,” he mutters, and Kihyun snorts amused.

 _Then Friday around 8?_ he writes.

There's just a minute, and Hoseok finally replies: _Sure. Can't wait._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original outline changed from four chapters to eight because my mind thought I would have more ~~nervous breakdowns~~ fun with this when I get to write Wonho's pov as well.
> 
> So, here we go. Please enjoy.

When Hoseok noticed Changkyun for the first time a few weeks ago, it was actually Hyungwon's fault. They've been studying in the library, and Hyungwon nudged his leg, hinting at some table further in the back.

"You have a fan," he whispered amused when they didn't know Changkyun's name, yet, and Hoseok looked up from his notes to find two pretty boys laughing and shushing each other.

"Which one?" Hoseok asked, pressing a text marker against his bottom lip, thinking that those two looked really good together.

"The one with black hair," Hyungwon replied, and Hoseok let his eyes linger on him for a moment longer because there was something nicely mature about him if it wasn't for that mischievous way he was grinning at his friend.

 _Cute_ , Hoseok thought before looking back into his notes.

But after that, Hoseok started noticing him on campus a lot. Not only in statistics, but also in the corridors, or lining up for a coffee-to-go, always with his pretty friend in tow, and Hoseok grew somehow familiar with that handsome face. That's why he felt pleasantly surprised to see Changkyun looking at him when he turned around to find out who made him receive that phone number on paper the old-school way. Too bad, it's not Friday, yet.

"So, tomorrow movie night at my place?" Hyungwon asks, pushing his tray to the side, visibly dissatisfied with today's food options in the cafeteria. He didn't even finish half of his portion.

"Sorry, can't," Hoseok replies, picking a piece of tofu from Hyungwon's tray. "I have a date," he adds before putting the soy into his mouth, and Hyungwon chokes on his soda.

"What?" he coughs, closing the bottle in his hands. "With whom?"

"That cute guy from statistics."

"That's as informative as an empty sheet of paper," Hyungwon complains. "You think everyone's cute, even that fuc- wait," his eyes go wide. "It's not the fuckboy, is it?"

"Changkyun, yeah," Hoseok says with his lips curling up while he's lifting a spoonful of rice to his mouth. "He asked me out yesterday." And Hyungwon groans.

"I'm leaving your side for one day, and the wolves are already coming for you," he huffs, leaning back in his chair. "Why would you go out with him?!"

Hoseok just shrugs amused, picking up more rice with his spoon.

He actually doesn't think that Changkyun is a wolf. Despite what people might say, or whatever Changkyun might want them to believe, Hoseok can't find the truth in that from what he's seen so far. He just doesn't feel very much impressed by his black leather jacket or that eyebrow piercing that might be screaming _bad boy_ into the world (Hoseok snorts), although he can't deny that Changkyun looks really good in that. But still, it's something else that keeps Hoseok's eyes on him, something in the way he's interacting with his friend. They just seem to have a lot of fun with each other, and Hoseok can't help but enjoy the little things he started to recognize about them. Like the way Changkyun is licking his lips in embarrassment when his friend is very vocally laughing at him, or how Changkyun is rolling his eyes when his friend is explaining things. Gosh, Hoseok even witnessed him pouting once when his friend refused to share his food, and that might've been the most adorable thing he's ever seen. He really wouldn't mind finding himself on the receiving end of that, and it made him really curious about him, even more so after the rumors finally reached his ears because it just didn't fit Hoseok's impression of him.

"To be honest," he says, scraping the last bits of rice out of his bowl. "He seems more like a puppy to me."

Hyungwon snorts. "Yeah, hence the good reputation."

"No, seriously," Hoseok chuckles, finishing his food and pushing his tray to the side. "Every time I look at him, I want to pet his head."

"Too bad that's not the kind of petting he's into," Hyungwon says, rolling his eyes while playing with the bottle in his hands. "You really shouldn't go."

Hoseok reaches out for his own water bottle. "You think?"

"Yeah. You both want different things. It's just going to be a waste of time."

"But what if I want it for a change?" Hoseok asks, opening the cap while he can’t prevent his lips from curling up.

"Want what?"

"You know, the thing." He grins into the bottle while taking a sip.

"You don't," Hyungwon says with a frown on his face.

"Why? Am I not allowed to seek physical pleasure once in a while just because I'm ace?" Hoseok challenges him while closing the bottle again.

"FINE," Hyungwon huffs. "If you prefer a stupid date with a stupid fuckboy rather than a movie night with me, I don’t care. Do what you want.” He slides his arms onto the table and puts his head onto his arms. “Wake me up when it’s time for class.” He closes his eyes.

“Aww, Hyungwonah, don’t be like that” Hoseok coos, gliding his hand into Hyungwon’s soft hair. “We can watch a movie on Saturday.”

“I just don’t get why you’re suddenly going on a date. You’ve been fine without,” Hyungwon mutters into his arms, but his shoulders start to visibly relax when Hoseok’s fingers are weaving into the strands.

“I don’t know,” Hoseok says, propping his head on the other hand. “I’m kinda curious about him.”

“So you’re over Hyunwoo now?”

Hoseok’s hand halts for a moment before moving again. “No, I’ll never be over him.” How could he when they only broke up because Hyunwoo moved to the other end of the country and they started to grow apart. It just made the memories of their time together feel so much more important to him. But Hyungwon is missing him, too, it seems.

“Then, you’ve been serious about... you know?”

Hoseok snorts. “No. I’m just teasing you because I like that frown on your face.”

“Stupid,” Hyungwon mumbles before he starts to drift off into his own thoughts, and Hoseok keeps drawing circles on his head while his gaze is shifting up towards the scenery in front of him.

The cafeteria is busy as usual, although a lot of students already finished their meal, heading out through the doors, and Hoseok wonders if Hyunwoo is eating well. They haven’t texted each other in a few weeks, and it’s sad, because it’s not that uncommon these days. Maybe it’s time to give him a call, but then, what good will it bring when they both try to move on. Hoseok sighs, focusing back on that slightly burgundy dark hair in his hand. At least Hyungwon doesn’t plan on leaving him.

“Wonah,” he says in his softest voice.

“Mh?”

“Did you dye your hair again?”

Hyungwon hums.

“It’s really pretty in this light,” Hoseok smiles, running his hand slowly through the glossy strands, when familiar laughter is pulling his eyes back to the doors.

Changkyun walks in with his arm around his friend, beaming at something funny he must have said, and it's really nice to look at. But his friend then recognizes someone at a table further to the left, and the moment he walks out of Changkyun’s hold to give his girlfriend a kiss on the lips, Changkyun’s smile is gone, and for a second there’s a hint of disappointment on his face. It makes Hoseok think that he’s actually pretty easy to read.

“Wonah,” he says once more, watching Changkyun’s lips curl up again while he's saying something that makes the girl laugh before he’s sitting down with them.

Hyungwon hums.

“I don't think he's a fuckboy at all."

"Mh?"

"Maybe he's just in love with his friend," Hoseok utters more to himself while pulling out his phone, and Hyungwon snorts, looking up at him.

"Are you shipping your date with someone else?"

"Depends," Hoseok chuckles, and Hyungwon just grunts amused before drifting off again.

 _Why so sad?_ Hoseok types, hitting send.

A moment later Changkyun is looking up, scanning the room, and he grins at Hoseok when their eyes finally meet.

 _Because it’s not Friday, yet,_ he replies.

And Hoseok can't help but think: _God, he’s really cute._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE DATE part I

It's Friday night, and Changkyun is waiting in front of Pino's bar. For some reason, he chose to have some manners for once and showed up on time, but Hoseok just texted him that he'll be late, and Changkyun only snorts, not bothering to reply. He opens twitter to scroll through his notifs when Kihyun starts texting him in real time.

_Hey_  
_Kyunah_  
_I'm in your room_  
_Where tf is my linguistics book_  
_Seriously_  
_This room is a fcking mess_

Changkyun grins. _Look under the bed._ He still remembers how they kicked it under it while fooling around on the floor. Gawd, that was fun. How to go back in time?

_Ugh!_  
_It's full of dust_  
_I'm dying_  
_Did you stop cleaning_  
_You lazy ass_

Yeah, actually, Changkyun hasn't been cleaning his room for a while now. He's never been a particularly clean person in the first place and was dusting off his room only because he knows that Kihyun suffers from allergies. But Kihyun's not sleeping over anymore.

_Stopped cleaning my ass?_  
_No, it's pretty clean for tonight_  
_Though I really hope he's into the other way around^^^^_

_Stupid fucker_  
_Btw I'm here to--_

"Changkyunah."

He turns around to see a former hook-up coming out of the bar with a friend. Dark hair, a denim blue button-down, and a tattoo covering one arm, exactly Changkyun’s taste, but his face is just comme ci, comme ça. He must have looked really good, though, when Changkyun’s been drunk as fuck. Was it Jae…? Jae-something? Changkyun is rolling his eyes. He's really fucking bad with names.

"You didn't call me," the guy says, approaching him in a wavering line. Quite the achievement to be that drunk when the night hasn't even really started yet.

"Yeah, that happens. Been busy," Changkyun replies, looking back at his phone.

_Stupid fucker_  
_Btw I'm here to collect all my stuff_

Changkyun huffs.

"Yah, busy with what?" Jae-something asks, slurring his words. "Doing Heejun? That's what I fucking heard!"

Heejun? Was that the blonde one, or...? Ah, doesn't really matter. "You got the memo, then," Changkyun says, typing on his phone. _Don't forget the_ -

"YAH!" The guy shoves Changkyun so hard, he has to take a step back.

"What the fuck, man?!" Changkyun looks up at him annoyed.

“Jinhyukah, come on," the friend finally steps in, pulling at the guy's arm. "Let's just go."

Changkyun snorts because of course, he didn't even get the first part right. He can almost hear Kihyun laughing at him.

“What’s so fucking funny?” Jinhyuk pokes his finger into Changkyun's chest. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Sure," Changkyun replies, brushing Jinhyuk's hand off. "Heard that before."

"Was it also fun making me fall for you?!" He's getting louder while his friend is still trying to pull him away.

("Man, don’t start a fucking fight. Let's go.")

"Dude, I only made you cum. There's a difference. You're welcome by the way."

"You fucking bas-," Jinhyuk starts, grabbing the collar of Changkyun's shirt, but there's suddenly another hand holding his arm.

"Let him go," Hoseok says in a calm tone, but Changkyun can see the pressure on Jinhyuk's skin. A moment later his shirt gets released.

"You're his new toy?" Jinhyuk asks, pulling his arm out of Hoseok's hold, and Changkyun has seriously enough of that whiny asshole.

“Shut your mouth,” he growls, stepping forward but Hoseok’s hand is at his chest, holding him back.

“Or what?!” Jinhyuk yells while his friend finally manages to drag him a few steps away. “Don’t you want people to know what a stupid fuckboy you are?!” He’s trying to shake himself free, and Changkyun is running once more against Hoseok’s hand because he really wouldn’t mind burying his fist into that ugly face in front of him.

But the friend got a good hold on Jinhyuk, pulling him further away, and Hoseok puts his arm around Changkyun, turning him towards the entrance of the bar. “Let his friend handle the rest,” he says, while Jinhyuk is still barking in the back, and Changkyun huffs annoyed.

Because why the fuck must he always be the asshole in this game. What exactly did that jerk expect from him? AND WHO THE FUCK IS LOOKING FOR A FUCKING HUSBAND IN A CLUB?! Changkyun is clutching his phone so hard, his hand is turning cold. 

“Hey, Changcutie.”

Changcu- what? He looks up at Hoseok’s smiling face, and there's absolutely no judgement in his eyes. What the-

“Sorry I’m late,” Hoseok says in a bright tone. “First round’s on me, okay?”

And it’s strange. How Changkyun instantly forgets that he’s been upset about… something. What was it again? Because there’s this incredibly handsome man holding him close as if they’ve been friends for years, and of course that would lift Changkyun’s mood when his fingertips are just a move away from touching that fucking fine chest he's been dreaming about for weeks.

“Only the first round?” he asks, the corners of his lips starting to curl up again. “Aren’t you older than me?”

Hoseok laughs. “Fine. It’s my treat tonight.”

And Changkyun’s grin is back in place.

At least until they’re sitting in a little booth in the further back of the bar. Changkyun is stirring his mango ice tea with a plastic straw, and he feels kind of betrayed.

“Don’t be sulky,” Hoseok chuckles, taking a sip from his pineapple juice. “I told you, you can order whatever you want.”

“Like I’m getting drunk on my own,” Changkyun replies, realizing this is the first time he’s going to stay sober on a date. Huh. “I’ve just never met someone who doesn’t drink. I mean, we’re students and peer pressure exists.”

“Maybe,” Hoseok smiles, one elbow on the table, propping his head. “But alcohol slows down my recovery after workouts. I just feel better avoiding it.”

Changkyun snorts. “So it comes with a price to look like that.”

“Look like what?” Hoseok grins, and Changkyun stops stirring his drink, finally bold enough to take in that gorgeous sight in front of him for more than just a second, or two.

Because from the moment Hoseok took his zip-up hoodie off, Changkyun was trying not to stare at those fine shoulders stretching the fabric of Hoseok's white shirt. And maybe even now it's not the best idea to let his eyes roam over that teasing bulge of Hoseok's upper arm peeking out of the sleeve so well. It might just encourage Changkyun to grow his own just a little lower, precisely in his pants, but it's definitely too early for that. Still, it's really hard not to think about the fact that Hoseok actually looks like he could fuck anyone up against a wall without breaking a sweat.

“Like a bodyguard,” Changkyun replies instead, trying to clench his thirst with a sip from his drink while Hoseok’s eyes are glittering at him.

“Would you hire me?”

“You're application is definitely on top of the pile,” Changkyun says, looking away because he suddenly feels bitter again. "Thanks, by the way, for earlier. Sorry, you had to witness that." 

“Don’t worry about it."

"But it makes me look bad."

"More like a true heartbreaker," Hoseok grins.

"And you think that’s funny?" Changkyun huffs amused.

"Yeah, actually, I think I might be in trouble."

"What?" Changkyun chuckles.

"Cuz you're really cute, and I’m weak for that," he says, making Changkyun almost choke in surprise.

"Oh my god," he laughs out loud. "You're really flirting with me."

"Isn't that what's supposed to happen on a date?" Hoseok replies, still grinning at him. “Am I going to fast?"

“No,” Changkyun replies, snickering. He takes the straw out of the glass and drinks directly from the rim, wishing there was something stronger in there because for some reason he feels flustered as fuck, and he’s not fucking used to it.

"Don’t tell me, you’re actually shy?" Hoseok teases him.

"In contrast to you, I start to feel I might be," Changkyun replies, putting the straw back into the glass, and there’s a tremble running through his legs. He can’t remember the last time he’s been getting this excited on a date.

"See, that's cute," Hoseok chuckles.

"Nobody called me cute since middle school." 

"That's where they did you wrong,” Hoseok winks at him while pulling out his phone. It’s lightening up and vibrating in his hand. “Sorry, I need to take this. Be right back.” Swiping his screen, he's getting up, putting the phone to his ear. "Wonah, what's wrong? You know I- What?" Hoseok chuckles while walking away.

"Fuck my life," Changkyun mutters, sinking back into the seat. He's taking a look at his own screen, finding two more messages from Kihyun. Something about his toothbrush and a videogame. Changkyun couldn’t care less right now.

_I'm dying_ , he texts him and is lucky because Kihyun replies instantly.

_Why?_  
_Already bored?_  
_Can't help_  
_Minji will be here in a few_

_No_  
_I need his dick_  
_Down my throat_  
_Asap_

_What’s new_

_You have no idea_  
_What he’s doing to me_  
_He asked me if I’m shy_

_Hahahaha what?_

_Exactly_

_I told you he might be too much for you_

_I’m literally growing with the challenge_

_You’re such a horny idiot_

_:’)_  
_He’s back gtg_

“Sorry,” Hoseok says, sitting down. “There was a pretend emergency.”

“A what?” Changkyun asks amused, while Hoseok puts his phone away.

“My friend felt the need to check in on me.”

“I really don’t think he needs to worry about you,” Changkyun snorts.

“That’s what I told him,” Hoseok smiles at him, taking a sip from his juice.

“That friend, is it the tall one? You seem close.”

“Yeah, he’s my childhood friend and a little protective of me.”

“Must be nice to have someone like that in your life,” Changkyun thinks aloud. He can’t remember the last time someone’s been really worried about him. Even his parents only call once a month just to make sure he’s still getting good grades. That’s all.

“But isn’t it the same for you and the pretty guy I always see you with?” 

“You mean Kihyun?” Changkyun huffs amused. “We’re… close, but not childhood friends, no. Actually, we met here in this bar over a year ago, and it instantly clicked somehow, but it’s still different, I guess.”

“Is that so?” Hoseok hums, his elbow back on the table, propping his head. “I always think you two look really good together from the way you act.”

“Are you stalking us?”

“You might think so,” Hoseok smirks. “But we’re actually crossing ways on campus quite often.”

“True. Nice to know you’ve noticed that,” Changkyun grins.

“It still surprised me that you asked me out.”

“Why’s that?”

“Mhh, I don’t know, just a feeling? But wouldn’t you rather be here with him than me?”

_No_ , Changkyun tries to say but it feels so wrong the word gets stuck in his throat, and it’s irritating him. What the fuck is this question anyway? 

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok says, leaning back. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“Answer what?” Changkyun replies, pretending he didn’t hear the question in the first place, and Hoseok seems to understand.

“Nothing,” he replies. “Wasn’t important anyway. Listen, I saw there’s a dart board at the front. How about we play a few rounds?”

“Sure,” Changkyun grins again. “But if I win three out of three, you’re drinking a shot with me.”

Hoseok snorts. “Okay, deal.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello,  
> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments!  
> I really appreciate them and they motivate me so much to write faster!
> 
> Unfortunately, I will be quite busy the next two months, so updates will slow down by a lot for that period of time.  
> But the good news is, I changed the outline (again), and now there's going to be 2 chapters more than initially planned!  
> (Is this even good news?? Did I hear someone groan in the back?!)
> 
> However, please enjoy
> 
> THE DATE part II

Changkyun doesn't win three out of three. He hardly wins two out of seven, and when they're leaving the bar way past midnight still sober, Hoseok can't help but feel amused because Changkyun starts sulking again.

"You let me win those two rounds on purpose, didn't you?" Changkyun says while zipping his hoodie up as they hit the streets for a walk through the night.

"I don't know what you mean," Hoseok replies with a suppressed grin, his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans.

"Sure," Changkyun huffs a laugh, leaving an unasked question lingering between them, and Hoseok feels almost guilty about that.

Sure, he's been holding back a few times, aiming deliberately for numbers that wouldn't end the round immediately, but Changkyun, that heart-wrecking cutie pie, would still miss his chance to take the lead. So it’s not exactly Hoseok’s fault that he didn’t win what he was hoping for...

"It's your fault," Changkyun groaned after he had thrown another dart, missing the double points. "You're making me nervous!"

"What?" Hoseok laughed out loud, watching him adjusting his position in front of the board. "I'm not doing anything."

"So the way you're sitting there on that bar stool is not on purpose to distract me?" Changkyun huffs, peeking at him from the side before focusing back on the board.

"I don't think closing my legs will suddenly enhance your throwing skills," Hoseok grinned at him, and Changkyun turned around once more but this time with narrowed eyes.

"Are you saying I'm just bad at playing darts?"

"I'm saying that maybe you're better at other things," Hoseok replied amused, and Changkyun snorted, a little smirk forming on his lips.

"You're right," he said, suddenly approaching and not stopping until he positioned himself between Hoseok's legs. "I can show you what I'm really good at if you want." His hands were slowly sliding over Hoseok’s shoulders to the back of his neck, and Hoseok really had to fight the urge to close his eyes when there were suddenly fingers fondling with his hair. Uh, shit, he could get used to this.

"Not exactly what I meant," he chuckled, keeping his gaze on Changkyun’s pretty dark eyes. “But I acknowledge that.”

"To be honest, I kinda have the feeling that I'm not exactly your type," Changkyun muttered with the most teasing pout, and Hoseok wanted to groan out loud. This cuteness overload was killing him.

"Quite the opposite," he whispered instead, hooking his fingers into the belt loops of Changkyun's jeans. It was so damn hard not to pull him in for a kiss when this proximity felt so unexpectedly right.

"Then how about we change the deal?" Changkyun asked, his grin widening again. 

“Hm? What do you have in mind?”

"When I win this last game, we're making out right here."

Hoseok chuckled, a little drunk on that glittering in Changkyun’s eyes. “Fine,” he replied. “Try your luck.”

And Changkyun did. He was trying really hard, but his aim was still not good enough, and Hoseok didn’t know if he was disappointed or not when it was his turn to stand in front of the board. It sobered him up pretty quickly, though. 

Because Hoseok hadn’t told Changkyun yet that this wouldn’t be more than a high school date, first base max., and letting him win this game would only get his hopes up for more. So Hoseok didn’t hesitate to end that last round with two easy throws. 

The only problem now is that Changkyun obviously assumes that Hoseok isn’t interested in him at all. He noticeably backed off.

"So, statistics, hm?" Changkyun says, walking next to Hoseok in a too appropriate distance.

"Yeah, pretty boring, right?" Hoseok sighs, pushing his hands further into his pockets when the impulse to reach out for Changkyun to pull him close is growing strong.

"Mhm,” Changkyun replies a little restrained. “Is it obligatory for you? I never asked about your major.”

“I need it for psychology,” Hoseok says, and it’s weird to have this most basic small talk among students with him. “What about you?”

"Linguistics. I switched majors without being warned,” he chuckles.

"You did? Why? What did you study before?"

"I started with economics but-," he hesitates, kicking a little stone out of the way. "But then I met Kihyun, and yeah... thought classes might be more fun with him since I actually don't give a fuck. I'm just attending uni because my parents forced me to."

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Hoseok asks.

“About what?”

 _Kihyun?_ “Your parents.”

“Why, you wanna be my shrink for the night?” Changkyun huffs amused, and Hoseok takes a moment to reply.

“I... want to be your friend.”

“Ah, yeah,” Changkyun snorts, kicking something else that’s bothering him to the side. “There’s not much to talk about. They’re hardly around, send more money for good grades, do not care a lot otherwise.”

“Are they too busy with their jobs?”

“Who knows. I came out to them a few years back just to get some reaction out of them, but they didn’t even bother to be disappointed,” Changkyun snickers in a bitter tone as they reach a bridge and slow down their pace. “Maybe that’s when I stopped caring as well.”

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok says, leaning his forearms against the railing, and Changkyun follows suit a step away.

“About what?”

“That your parents aren't even assholes?” Hoseok tries with a little smile. He slides closer to Changkyun until their arms bump together, and Changkyun looks at him amused.

“Yeah, too bad, all the emotional hurt I’m missing out,” he snorts, his gaze shifting to the night view in front of them, and Hoseok wants to wrap him up in his arms so bad, wants to take him to some place warm and safe. It’s almost physically painful to let this go.

Still, Hoseok turns towards the city skyline that is illuminating the black river in a comforting way. He actually knows what it feels like to grow up without a parent around since his dad had left when he was hardly 10. But his mom has been giving him everything, trying twice as hard to fill the empty space, and he didn’t feel left alone at all, especially with Hyungwon and Hyunwoo next to him. So he can’t imagine the loneliness Changkyun must’ve been going through. It gives Hoseok a much better idea of what Kihyun might actually mean to him...

Changkyun sighs, turning around. He leans back against the railing, burying his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “Not gonna lie,” he says. “I’m not used to this kind of dates. Usually, at this point, I’m already drunk as fuck and undressing someone.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Hoseok responds, trying to keep his tone light, but he’s reminded of Hyungwon’s words, and it makes him sad to think that Changkyun might actually regret this date.

“No, I… I just don’t know where this is going. If this is going anywhere at all, you know?” Changkyun exhales, poking the pavement with the tip of his shoe.

And Hoseok huffs amused because it's so unfair every time Changkyun is acting this cute. “Are you still sulking because I didn’t let you win?”

“Obviously,” Changkyun replies with a mix of a shy but still cheeky grin.

And Hoseok knows this would be the right time to explain himself, to come clean about his sexuality, but he hesitates. Because what are the odds that Changkyun will still be interested in him after finding out? And then, how long will it take Hoseok to get over him? He's so smitten with this boy, it's insane. It actually bothers him that they’re not close enough to hold hands on a pretty scenery like that. He really wants him close in every way… Shit, Hyungwon will scold him for that but who cares...

"Come here," Hoseok says, reaching out and pulling at Changkyun’s hoodie string. "Pick up your consolation prize." 

Changkyun snorts. "What?"

"Don't you wanna kiss me?" Hoseok smiles.

“Wha-?” Changkyun looks surprised, not moving at all. His system must have crashed.

 _Cutest puppy, indeed_ , Hoseok smirks, pushing himself away from the railing, and then he’s standing in front of Changkyun, leaning forward to cage him in between his arms. “Just say yes or no,” Hoseok whispers while their faces are so close, there’s almost no air between them, and Hoseok can actually feel how Changkyun stops breathing for a second. 

Just a little moment before he's going straight for the kiss, grabbing the fabric at Hoseok’s chest to pull him in, and Hoseok chuckles against his lips.

But Changkyun opens his mouth so quickly, licking into Hoseok’s mouth with a hungry moan while challenging Hoseok’s tongue right from the start that Hoseok has to slow him down. He’s blocking his way, adding more pressure into movements that keep cutting him off, and it takes a moment and a frustrated groan, but then, Changkyun is ready to give up, adjusting his pace until the kiss turns so soft and slow, it starts tingling nicely in Hoseok’s head with all the affection he wants to share.

And Changkyun sighs sweetly, sliding his arms around Hoseok’s neck while Hoseok lowers his hands onto Changkyun’s back to pull him in as close as possible until there’s another moan escaping Changyun’s mouth as the kiss becomes deeper and they grow more and more familiar with each other’s taste. Hoseok can’t get enough of it. He’d stay like this for the whole night, but Changkyun is getting restless in his arms, so he brings his hands to Changkyun’s face, cupping his cheeks as he ends the kiss with a long and soft peck.

“That was nice,” he hums, opening his eyes, and that rosy blush on Changkyun’s face is the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

“Mhm," Changkyun agrees, lowering his arms. "Let's go to my place," he says, looking up at Hoseok with the city lights glittering in his eyes, and Hoseok wants to kiss him again.

"No,” he replies instead, so very reluctant to let go of Changkyun’s face.

"Why?"

Hoseok sighs, stroking over the soft skin underneath his thumbs. "Do you know what the asexual spectrum is?" 

"What?" Changkyun blinks at him.

"It's for people who are somewhere betwe-"

"I know what that is,” he says, pulling Hoseok’s hands from his face. “I just don't understand why you're talking about that now."

"Because I'm somewhere on that spectrum,” Hoseok admits as he lowers his arms. “I'm kinda asexual."

"Oh, fuck my life," Changkyun groans, taking a step back. "Seriously?!"


	5. Chapter 5

Changkyun is in a fucking bad mood. It’s been a week since his date with Hoseok came to an sudden end with just a few words, and it’s still fucking bugging him.

“I’m kinda asexual,” Hoseok had said to him in a calm tone as if that didn’t smack all the sweet candy out of Changkyun’s hands, and Changkyun groaned in return.

“Oh fuck my life, seriously?!” He took a step back, bumping into the railing behind him.

Hoseok just hummed in response, giving him space by stepping back himself, and the date was over immediately.

What a fucking antonym to an orgasm, and the week didn't get any better after that.

Changkyun is now standing in a club full of hets, and the music is so bad, he wouldn’t want to listen to that shit even if someone paid him to.

“Dancefloor?” Kihyun asks, raising his voice next to Changkyun’s ear, but Changkyun shows him the empty bottle of beer in his hand, pointing to the bar.

Kihyun’s lips form an _okay_ , then he follows Minji into the crowd, and Changkyun huffs annoyed.

This whole week has been a fucking joke. He didn’t feel like himself. He didn’t even want to give anyone a booty call. Maybe that’s why he’s constantly on edge these days. But who would he call anyway? Nobody’s able to turn him on the way Hoseok did, and that door got smacked into his face. Changkyun just can’t get over it. It’s ridiculous.

Hoseok told him, though, before leaving him on that bridge. He told Changkyun to call him if he feels like hanging out. But what the fuck’s that supposed to mean? Was that some ace code for cuddling, or what? Changkyun doesn't want to find out. With his luck, it's probably just a fucking stroll through the park. 

He snorts, reaching the bar. At least the music here is toned down a bit, and he raises one finger to order a vodka shot before thinking _fuck it_ , asking for two more.

He’s done with feeling sorry for himself, and it's time to get fucking drunk. Maybe then he’ll be ready to play Russian Roulette with the numbers in his phone and get rid of that sexual frustration that's killing his mood, especially in this straight hellhouse of a club.

God, he’s so fucking mad at Kihyun for dragging him in here tonight. That selfish asshole always does whatever the fuck he wants, and then Changkyun can figure out for himself how to fucking deal with that. But honestly, tonight Changkyun’s patience must have reached a new low. Kihyun is fucking irritating him on a level he didn't know before.

It just got gradually worse since Friday night, when Kihyun suddenly decided to get all his stuff from Changkyun’s place as if they’ve been going through a real break-up, like, what the fuck? Usually Changkyun would’ve laughed it off, but he returned to his room fucking sober and alone. It just hit him the wrong way when he switched the lights on and found his room neatly cleaned up as if he was back in his parents house, living with fucking ghosts.

It made him halt for a second, pinching the bridge of his nose while cursing Kihyun’s stupid, neurotic ass. Changkyun really couldn’t stand the hollow feeling of a tidy place, especially on a fucking night like that.

So he started undressing himself on the way to the bathroom, dropping his clothes to the floor to cover up all the emptiness that was trying to swallow him, but of course, Kihyun had cleaned the bathroom as well, and Changkyun sighed after one look at himself in the spotless mirror. 

Averting his gaze from the frown on his face, he started brushing his teeth, ignoring the empty cup on the sink. But when he reached out for the towel to dry his face, he saw Kihyun’s toothbrush in the trash. He picked it up and rinsed it clean before putting it back into the cup where it could keep his own toothbrush company again. But it didn’t feel the same anymore. It annoyed him so much, he threw the whole fucking cup into the trash.

Changkyun downs one of the three shots in front of him, hissing at the burn in his throat. It tastes definitely better than going to bed alone and feeling like a fucking idiot.

He should’ve known things wouldn’t work out for him. They never do. Like, what were the chances that Hoseok would turn out to be asexual?! The universe must be fucking laughing at him.

Even more so because Hoseok is a fucking jackpot of a man. Besides that fucking fine body, he’s funny and smart. His flirting game was so on point, Changkyun was literally shaking with want. That’s why he wasn't able to hit those fucking double points even when he’s usually pretty good at darts.

But then, Hoseok ended that game so quickly despite the sweet deal. He made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want to make out, and God, that hurt Changkyun’s ego like a punch below the belt. He never felt so nauseous while hiding the disappointment in his face. However, he was still trying really hard to swallow that rejection down with some dignity. So he just backed off instantly.

It still gave him a bitter taste in his mouth. Especially after what Kihyun had said. That Changkyun might be aiming too high this time. It seemed like he was right and it made suddenly perfectly sense that a high-class type of guy like Hoseok wouldn’t be interested in him when Changkyun was only good enough for Jae-somethings to run after him. He should’ve just taken the hint when Kihyun ended things with him…

That's why he absolutely wasn’t prepared for what happened on the bridge.

Changkyun downs shot number two with a cough.

Because that slow-mo kiss… Fuck. He can’t remember the last time he’s been kissed like that. Maybe once, when Changkyun woke up in the middle of the night, horny as fuck with Kihyun’s ass pressed nicely against his crotch. He couldn’t help but start kissing his neck, until Kihyun turned around still half asleep, searching for his lips. But Kihyun was still too deep in his dreams to fully wake up. The kiss was so lazy that Changkyun let him fall back asleep and just helped himself. Still, the kiss felt so different, so fucking different from how Hoseok was kissing him on that bridge…

Changkyun quickly downs the last shot to get rid of that sudden flutter in his core. It feels unfamiliar and makes him nervous. Fucking ridiculous.

He turns towards the dancefloor to distract himself. It really doesn't help to think about Hoseok when he's planning to hook-up with someone else. At least the alcohol started swirling in his head and his eyes feel a little slow when following all those people moving their hips. Thank the gods, he’s going to be drunk in a minute now.

And still, it isn’t hard for him to spot Kihyun in the crowd. Of course, because he’s fucking handsome and the only one worth looking at, that stupid dumbass, fucking jerk. He’s laughing with his eyes forming those stupid pretty crescent moons while Minji is doing goofy dance moves for him. It’s annoyingly adorable until Kihyun pulls her into his arms and his hands are softly moving into her hair. He’s kissing her with a gentleness Changkyun doesn’t recognize from him.

Changkyun snorts, turning back to the bar, and orders two more shots because yep, he’s still fucking angry at him.

It’s been just yesterday when they’ve been hanging out between classes in the university’s park. They’ve been lying in the sun on the grass with their bags under their heads. Kihyun was memorizing a bunch of flashcards while Changkyun was staring at the clouds.

He had seen Hoseok in statistics on Wednesday, of course. It had been awkward as fuck, and Changkyun is really not good with situations like that, so he just pretended not to see him when he was walking up the stairs to his usual seat, passing Hoseok’s row. It still didn’t hinder him to stare at Hoseok’s back for 90 minutes straight. Half of that time, Hoseok had his hand in that tall dude’s hair. Like, what the fuck was that about?

“Kihyunah,” he said, looking at a cloud that reminded him of a dick. “Caress my head.”

“What?” Kihyun frowned at him.

“I want you to stroke my hair, like a pet, you know?”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“I don’t know, because apparently friends do stuff like that?”

Kihyun snorted. “Not in my book.” His focus was back on his cards.

“Come on,” Changkyun huffed, looking at him. “We’ve done worse. What’s the harm?”

“God, Kyunah, you’re getting on my nerves,” Kihyun groaned, sitting up.

“Tz. Fine.” Changkyun turned his eyes back to the sky while Kihyun was stuffing the flashcards into his shoulder bag.

It seemed as if he wanted to leave, but then he sighed, letting himself fall back onto the grass. 

“We had a fight because of you,” he suddenly said out of nowhere.

“What?” Changkyun got up on his elbows, but Kihyun was avoiding his gaze.

“She’s insecure and scared that we, I mean you and me, that we… might fall back into old habits, and I don’t… wanna do anything that might give her the wrong idea, okay?”

Changkyun snorted in a bitter tone, sinking his head back onto his bag. “Is that the reason why you suddenly had to get all your stuff?”

“Mhm,” Kihyun replied, turning towards Changkyun. “Sorry.”

Changkyun huffed. “What are you apologizing for? Do you want me to stay away from you now, or what?”

“You know that’s not what I want… Let’s just not do anything that might make her sad, okay?”

“Fine with me,” Changkyun replied in a salty tone. “No hair stroking. Neither below nor up the belt. Got it.”

Kihyun snorted. “You’re stupid.”

“Probably.”

They stayed silent for a while, and the dick shaped cloud was long gone before Changkyun noticed that Kihyun was still looking at him.

“What?”

“There’s a new club in Hongdae... Let’s go together tomorrow night.”

“Where's that suddenly coming from?” The last time they went clubbing together had been aeons ago.

“I’m trying to spend more time with my best friend,” Kihyun smiled.

Of course Changkyun couldn't say no.

Kihyun got his hopes up.

Fucking asshole.

Changkyun gulps his fourth shot down like it’s water. 

He thought this would be a night like old times. Just Kihyun and him but minus the making out. Fair enough. But nope. Apparently these days “let’s go together” will always mean Kihyun and Minji plus Changkyun as the fucking third wheel. Spending more time together, my ass.

Changkyun lifts shot number five to his mouth but someone snatches it out of his hand.

“Thanks,” Kihyun grins, downing the shot. “Urgh, that’s disgusting. Since when are you into vodka?” He makes a face at the bitter taste.

Changkyun just huffs. “Where’s Jiji?”

“Jiji?” Kihyun laughs. “She went to the restroom. Are you already drunk? How many of these did you have?” He puts the glass on the counter.

“You stole one so I lost count.” 

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Makes sense.”

“It means you owe me one,” Changkyun turns towards the bar to order more, but Kihyun grabs him by the shoulder.

“Kyunah, I think you had enough for now.”

“Don’t touch,” Changkyun hisses at him, pushing Kihyun’s hand away.

Kihyun seems startled. “What's wrong with you?” 

“Everything’s fuckin’ fine,” Changkyun replies, grabbing the next shot the bartender is placing in front of him.

“Kyunah,” Kihyun says, holding Changkyun’s arm down. “You shouldn’t drink. You’re obviously not fine.”

“Gooood, Ki,” Changkyun groans, pulling his arm out of Kihyun’s hold. “Stay the fuck away from me. Your girlfriend might think we’re fucking again.”

Kihyun’s face darkens. “Since when do turn into an asshole when you’re drunk?”

“Yeah, right. I’m the asshole here,” Changkyun snorts, gulping down the shot, squinting his eyes.“But thanks for spending more time with me where I can fucking watch you making out with your girlfriend. That’s some good ass quality time. Still, let’s not repeat, okay?"

“What’s your fucking problem? Are you jealous now, or what?”

“Jealous, my ass,” Changkyun groans. “As if you don’t know what you’re fucking doing do me. I’m so fed up with you, seriously.” He can’t look at that stupid face. It starts blurring before his eyes as the alcohol kicks further in.

"What I'm doing to you?! What exactly is that? Trying to assure my girlfriend that you're not a threat to her, so we can still hang out? Yeah, I'm really the bad guy here." He grabs Changkyun by his chin. “Hey, look at me. Are you still there?”

Changkyun hisses at him, slapping Kihyun’s hand away. "Try fucking harder then!” he almost shouts. “Cuz maybe _I'm_ not assured that this fucking friendship thing is working out for us when I can’t even fucking _once_ be alone with you outside of campus!”

"God, Kyunah, can't you just grow up and learn how to compromise? You think it's fun for me to sit between you two? I really don't need you to be constantly guilt tripping me!"

"How the fuck am I guilt tripping you?! Am I not giving you all the fucking space you want without complaining?!"

"You think I'm dumb, or what?! You think I don't know why you're playing fuckboy all the time? Is it really my fault?!"

“Guys! Hey, guys,” Minji is suddenly there, pushing some distance between them. “Why are you fighting?! What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kihyun huffs, glaring at Changkyun. "He's just drunk. But what's new. He can deal with that on his own. Let's go back to the dancefloor." He puts his arm around Minji and wants to take her away, but she turns back to Changkyun.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Changkyun snorts. "Don't worry, noona. Just go and have fun." He tries to smile at her, but she doesn’t seem to buy it.

"You heard him," Kihyun says toneless. "Give him some space. He'll be fine."

 _Yeah, I'll be fucking fine without you_ , Changkyun mutters to himself while watching them vanishing in the crowd. He just now realizes that he's shaking, which means he needs more alcohol.

After two more shots the shaking is gone and his mind is finally numb. He might've even had a blackout when the next thing he’s consciously aware of is a tongue pushing into his mouth and the sudden taste of an ashtray. Changkyun feels instantly sick, pulling away before looking at an ugly dude in a polo shirt.

"Oh, hell no," he mutters, shoving the guy to the side to get up from a couch he didn't even know he was sitting on. 

"Where are you going?" The guy calls after him.

But Changkyun doesn't bother to reply. The nausea is getting so heavy he just stumbles out of the club to get some fresh air. It really wouldn’t look sexy if he had to puke right now.

Taking a deep breath, he leans against the building wall a few steps away from the entrance of the club. and his ears are ringing so loud, his head might explode. The bouncers are eyeing him warily, but he just gives them a thumbs up before he sinks down into a squat, and still, the ground under him won’t stop moving. It feels like he’s on a fucking boat. Urgh. He buries his face in his arms.

God, what a fucking night.

Where did he even find that one gay dude in this straight club of doom? Kihyun should’ve been there to save him from that mistake. But that jerk stopped caring a long time ago… SO YEAH, WHAT’S NEW? Of course, Changkyun can deal with it on his own. It’s not as if he doesn’t remember how it feels when nobody gives a fuck. It’s just back to zero. So whatever. Changkyun will survive.

But it’s all Hoseok’s fault.

This whole week has been the biggest mess because Hoseok had startled him, had fucking thrown him of his tracks.

That stupid scenery on the bridge…

It had given him a strange flutter in his guts when Hoseok was looking at him with his dark eyes and all those city lights were sparkling in them. They just suddenly resembled the river so much… It felt as if Changkyun could choose in which dark waters he’d rather like to drown, and who wouldn’t go for the teasing darkness whispering to him “just say yes or no.”

Goooooooood, Changkyun knocks the back of his head against the wall, leaning back. Why does it still feel like that? What did that man do to him to mess him up like that? It’s seriously ridiculous.

Changkyun pulls his phone out.

Scrolling through his contacts, there’s just one name he can still assign to a face. It takes him three attempts until he finally manages to hit the call button, and for a long time nobody picks up. He almost hangs up again when there’s suddenly a beeping sound and some rustling at his ear. Then, he finally hears Hoseok’s voice.

“Kyunah? It’s 2 a.m…”

“Blame yourself,” Changkyun replies, the alcohol slowing down his tongue. “Everything’s your fault.”

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok almost hums, his voice breathy and raspy. 

Changkyun closes his eyes. “Your voice sounds sexy. Did I wake you up?”

“Are you drunk?” Hoseok asks amused. “I was asleep, yeah. That’s what people do in the middle of the night.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m not sleeping.”

“Mhm, figured.” There’s more rustling and Hoseok moans. What the-? Changkyun’s core heats up.

“Don’t do that,” he mutters. “Whatever you just did. Just don’t.”

“Why? I was stretching.” Hoseok’s voice feels like cashmere in Changkyun’s ears, and he needs to opens his eyes, because his head starts spinning again.

“To people like me that sounded a lot like phone sex,” he admits, and Hoseok chuckles.

“Did you call me for that? Phone sex?” 

Ah, fuck. Hoseok’s teasing him again. Changkyun coughs. "Wouldn't you feel disgusted and hang up on me?"

"Why? Because all ace people have to be sex-repulsed?"

"I don't know… Is that a stereotype?"

"Yeah," Hoseok chuckles softly.

"Kay… uhm, sorry,” Changkyun mumbles, leaning forward and poking the pavement at his feet. Would it be okay to ask Hoseok if he’s naked now, or what? He’s confused again.

"Don't worry about it. So, what's exactly my fault?"

"Hm?"

"Didn't you call me to tell me that? You said 'Everything’s your fault'. That's a bit general. Can you break it down for me?"

Changkyun sighs, picking up a stone. "We had a fight.”

“Okay. What happened?”

“He’s a selfish jerk,” Changkyun says, slurring his words. “He can take his stupid toothbrush and stick it up his ass. I’m so fucking tired of him.” He stabs the pavement repeatedly with the stone in his hand. “It’s not even close to what it used to be and every day it feels like he’s going further away. I fucking hate it.”

“Did you tell him that?”

He throws the stone away. “Kind of. I don’t know. I don’t remember what I said.”

“How much did you drink?”

“Enough to blackout. Don’t know. There was suddenly that ugly dude on my lap. I’m still feeling sick.” His eyes are getting heavy again.

“Where are you right now? Where’s Kihyun?”

“Outside of some stupid club. I don’t care where Kihyun is. Didn’t see him since the fight.”

“What’s the name of the club?”

“Something with M…?? I don’t know…” Changkyun groans, leaning back. “Why are you asking me so much? It’s giving me a headache!” And he might need to throw up after all… 

“Okay, listen,” Hoseok says in a serious tone. “Send me your location and then go inside and have a glass of water at the bar, okay? I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”


	6. Chapter 6

It takes Hoseok half an hour to arrive at the club. He asks the cab driver to wait for him before he closes the door and crosses the road towards the entrance.

The cooling night breeze has led several people outside to smoke and chat, and while going around them, Hoseok would’ve almost missed Changkyun’s crouching silhouette if it wasn’t for Kihyun’s familiar face he recognized in front of the building. Hoseok sighs in relief. 

Kihyun’s girlfriend is squatting in front of Changkyun. “Kyunah, please, take at least one sip.” She's offering him a small bottle, but he doesn’t even look up at her.

“For fuck’s sake,” Kihyun snaps at him. “Drink the fucking water.”

“I told you to fuck off,” Changkyun groans loudly into his arms.

“And I told you I can’t leave you alone when you’re like this,” Kihyun huffs back.

“Can’t you both please stop?” Kihyun’s girlfriend stands up, frowning at him. “We need to get him home. Call a cab.”

“That’s not necessary. I got this,” Hoseok says, joining them with a polite smile. He squats down to Changkyun and ignores Kihyun’s “what the-”

“Hey, cutie,” Hoseok says in a soft tone. “Sorry, I’m late again.” He puts a hand on Changkyun’s arm, and the skin not covered by the fabric of his t-shirt is cold. “Didn’t I tell you to go inside?” 

Changkyun just mutters something into his knees. It sounds a lot like “The music makes me want to barf,” and Hoseok chuckles, noticing a dull beat coming from the club, but he can’t tell if it’s really that bad.

“What are you doing here?” Kihyun asks in a sharp tone.

Hoseok rubs his palm over the cool skin to warm Changkyun up. “He called me.”

“Of course, he did,” Kihyun groans. “Listen, I don’t care what he promised you. Tonight, he’s not fair game, alright? So back off.” He pulls Hoseok’s hand away from Changkyun, and Hoseok looks up at him.

“He didn’t tell you about me, hm?”

“Tell me what? Why he’s been acting weird since that date with you? You tell me!”

“He'll talk to you when he's ready. I’m just here to take him home. Right, baby bird?” Hoseok rubs Changkyun’s arm again to get his attention, and Changkyun finally looks up at him with half closed eyes.

“Baby what?” 

Hoseok can’t help but smile at him. It’s so nice to see this handsome face up close again, and it’s almost unfair how Changkyun’s voice gets even deeper when he’s drunk. No wonder everyone’s falling for him, and of course Hoseok is now one of them. The only difference is that Hoseok actually didn’t expect Changkyun to call. Not a week after the date, nor any time later, especially not in the middle of the night, waking him up. But seeing Changkyun’s name lighten up the display of his phone and hearing Changkyun’s voice obviously drunk... Hoseok liked that a lot. So much he really didn’t mind stretching himself at 2 a.m., covered in the warmth of his blanket, as if he was bathing in sweet possibilities. It felt so good to know that Changkyun had been thinking of him despite it all. And all the gods know Hoseok didn’t manage to get him out of his head either.

But he had been prepared for that, for the date to confirm his subtle crush, to make it even grow a little bigger (not to explode, but fair enough), just as he was prepared to drop off Changkyun’s radar as soon as he’d come out to him. But still, when Changkyun completely ignored him in statistics last Wednesday, Hoseok couldn’t help but pout.

“He doesn’t even spare you a glance now,” Hyungwon snorted after watching Changkyun pass them on his way to the upper seats of the lecture hall. “That’s very fuckboyish of him.”

“Leave him alone,” Hoseok said with a sigh. “He’s uncomfortable. It’s fine.”

“You know I love you, but you have two flaws you need to get rid off.”

“Is that so?” Hoseok chuckled, propping his head on a hand. “What flaws?”

“Flaw number one, you like people.”

“And that’s bad?”

“Yep.” Hyungwon stated, flipping a pen in his hand. “I mean some individuals are okay... -ish, I guess, but people in general are just a mob of morons.”

“I see… But you are familiar with the concept of collective intelligence, right?” Hoseok grinned at him, and Hyungwon groaned.

“You have three flaws!”

Hoseok laughed out loud.

“You’re apparently not keeping up with world politics, and it shows.” Hyungwon added, frowning at him.

“Voting results are sabotaged by groups of radicals or even governments who are intentionally spreading misinformation and therefore forcing people to vote out of fear rather than rational thinking. That’s a whole different chapter on psycho-terrorism and collective psycholo-”

“Please stop,” Hyungwon interrupted him, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That’s flaw number two.”

“What?” Hoseok laughed again.

“You always try to rationalize the shit people do.”

“I’m just interested in the reasons for people’s behavior,” Hoseok replied amused.

“Call it what you want. Fact is, you've always refused to see people as the assholes they are because then it’s easier to downplay the hurt they leave behind. But you know what? You’re dad was an asshole. That kid in high school was an asshole. That Changkyun guy? He's a fuckboy, which is basically another word for promiscuous asshole. I mean look at him not even acknowledging your existence anymore just because there’s nothing to hunt you for.”

“Are we now back at the wolf analogy?” Hoseok grinned.

Hyungwon dropped his pen onto the table and leaned back with a sigh. “I give up.”

Hoseok chuckled, leaning back as well as the professor had entered the lecture hall. He put his arm around Hyungwon, lifting his hand into the pretty burgundy hair. “Don’t worry so much about me,” he whispered as the chatter around them started to silence. "We're not kids anymore."

"I know, and you’ve changed. Suddenly going out with strangers and stuff… It’s poking my anxiety,” Hyungwon huffed.

“As long as it’s not the panic attacks, we’re good, right?” Hoseok hummed while running his fingers through the soft strands in his palm, drawing circles on Hyungwon’s scalp to help him relax.

Hyungwon sighed. “Yeah, that’s under control.” He leaned closer, and Hoseok smiled at him. 

Since their childhood, Hyungwon had the tendency to overthink everything, and Hoseok is still trying to figure out if that's a mechanism to prevent his anxiety from spiking up or if it's actually the reason for it. 

However, Hyungwon was right in some way or another because Hoseok had changed. And how could he not when he had to repeatedly learn how to let people go. Especially without Hyunwoo nothing felt the same anymore. But maybe that’s why Hoseok instantly understood the gravity of Changkyun’s call after hearing about the fight with Kihyun. All of a sudden Changkyun’s drunken state turned into something alarming, and it made Hoseok get out of his bed and reach out for his pants while he was still interrogating Changkyun about his location. But Changkyun started losing his focus and slurring his words a lot. He obviously had done a really good job at numbing himself, and Hoseok felt a pressing urge to talk to him about his unhealthy coping mechanisms…

But right now with that cute face in front of him, Hoseok wants nothing more but to palm his cheeks and ask him _Can I keep you, please?_ But instead he just smiles. “Let’s get you home.”

“There’s no home,” Changkyun snorts.

“Too bad,” Hoseok hums, aware that he hasn’t said the following to anyone but Hyungwon for quite some time, but still. “Then, wanna stay at my place tonight?” He stands up and offers him his hands to get up as well, but Changkyun hesitates, leaning his head back against the wall.

“King size bed?” he asks with his lips curling up into a cheeky little grin.

“Queen. But isn’t that even better?” Hoseok winks and Changkyun snorts amused this time.

“I knew you'd want to cuddle with me,” he smirks, taking Hoseok’s hands.

But as soon as Changkyun gets up, Kihyun grabs his wrist. "Are you seriously going home with him now?"

Changkyun's eyes darken again. “Yeah, or are _you_ offering me your bed tonight?” He pulls his arm free. 

“There we go again,” Kihyun huffs. “Of course it’s my fault again that you have to whore yourself out tonight.”

“What did you just say?!” Changkyun makes a step forward, but Hoseok puts himself immediately between them, pushing Changkyun behind his back.

"Kihyunah, aren't you drunk as well?" Hoseok states. It's not really a question. "Maybe it’s better for you both to sober up before talking this out.”

“He’s right,” Kihyun’s girlfriend says, pulling at Kihyun’s arm. “Just let him go. It’s late and I’m cold,” she whines in an exaggerated tone. Hoseok is sure she’s doing it on purpose.

And it seems to work because Kihyun is looking between her and Changkyun before groaning out loud. “FINE.” He puts an arm around his girl, and Changkyun clicks his tongue in disappointment, ready to bark more words at Kihyun.

But Hoseok forces him to step back some more.

“Hey sunbae.” Kihyun’s girlfriend pushes the bottle of water into Hoseok's hands. “Make him drink this, okay? And by the way, tell Hyungwon Minji said hello.”

Wait. Lee Minji? “Didn’t you break his arm in 5th grade?”

“I did.” Her eyes disappear into a smile that almost feels like a threat.

“Cute,” Hoseok chuckles. “Don’t worry, Kyunnie is safe with me.”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” Changkyun butts in, placing Hoseok’s arm over his shoulder. “He’s going to cuddle me so hard and good, I’ll definitely be begging him not to stop.”

“Do you have a fucking stroke?” Kihyun snorts at him.

“Oh, cuddle yourself, you stu-”

“Hey, angry birb.” Hoseok squeezes Changkyun against his chest.

“What?”

“Time to go.”

“Fine! But you’ll let me be the big spoon, too, right?”

“Sure.” Hoseok nods a goodbye at Minji and Kihyun before leading Changkyun towards the street.

“Nice.” Changkyun stumbles onto the road and Hoseok needs to steady him while they’re crossing the street. It doesn't stop him from rambling about the advantages of versatility in cuddling, not even when Kihyun suddenly shouts from behind: “You stupid dumbass better call me tomorrow!" Changkyun just raises his voice, pretending not to hear him while explaining his preferences until they reach the cab.

Changkyun then makes a face. “I’m disappointed.”

“What? Why?” Hoseok leads Changkyun to the back of the car.

“I thought we’d do that romantic piggyback thing.”

Hoseok opens the door for him. “Didn’t expect you to be into stuff like that.”

“I’m kinda into you,” Changkyun mutters, getting into the cab.

“What did you just say?” Hoseok can’t help but grin while following him onto the back seat, and Changkyun coughs. 

“In my shoe.”

“What?”

“There’s something in my shoe.” Changkyun leans his head against the window at his side.

“I see,” Hoseok chuckles. “Then, just take it out.”

“It’s fine,” Changkyun mumbles. “Right now, it’s not bothering me.”

“I’m glad."

Hoseok is still smiling when he leans forward to tell the cab driver his address, and as soon as the engine starts, Changkyun is about to fall asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminding myself here that I'm writing this for pure self-indulgence and that it's okay to be stupid. Cheers!

When Changkyun regains consciousness, there’s nothing. 

Then, a soft cushion pressing into his face and a pleasant warmth surrounding him. It tells him that he must own a physical form, so he starts moving, finding one of his arms under the pillow. The other one is pulling a soft blanket further up his shoulders. It’s the weekend, right? Mhhh.

He straightens his legs. The release tingling so sweetly at the back of his knees while his feet are running down the soft edge of what must belong to another pair of legs, and at the very end, he entangles himself in the comforting awareness that he’s really not alone. 

But how much did he fucking drink that he can’t even remember who’s lying next to him? 

Changkyun blinks his eyes slowly open, suddenly confronted with Hoseok’s sleeping face.

“Holy fu-” Changkyun falls backwards from the bed. 

“Ahh, shit,” he mutters, rubbing his left hip, trying to raise his upper body from the floor, but Hoseok is suddenly peeking down at him.

“Are you okay?”

It’s not the sexy tone of Hoseok’s raspy voice or the gorgeously wild bed hair that makes Changkyun suddenly regret he doesn’t know how to pray for divine assistance, but the fact that Hoseok isn’t wearing a fucking shirt. His sculpted shoulders are fucking naked, and Changkyun immediately grabs his own torso, but there is fabric covering him. What the-

He sighs, knocking his head back down onto the floor. “I don’t know,” he exhales, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. “Where am I?”

Hoseok snorts. “In my bedroom?”

 _Holy mother of teasing irony, please give me the strength to-_ “How the fuck did I get here?”

“On my back.” 

“On your- what?” Changkyun raises up on his elbows, finding Hoseok propped up on a flexed arm and grinning at him.

“You don’t remember? How you were pretending to be asleep in the cab until I agreed to piggyback you up to my apartment?”

Does he fucking remember?

How he wrapped himself around Hoseok’s back with the full intention to never let go again?

“I bet your legs could carry me all the stairs up to your place,” he mumbled while they were waiting in the elevator to reach the 7th floor.

“They could, but I’d start sweating halfway. I don’t think you’d want to be attached to me then.”

“It is my fucking dream to be attached to your back while you’re sweating...”

Hoseok snorted. “Is that so?”

“Ah, fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Changkyun whined, burying his face into Hoseok’s neck. “Please, don’t make me sleep on the couch. Please.”

“Don’t worry, baby woof. I know you’ll behave.”

The door of the elevator opened, and Changkyun held himself tighter onto Hoseok’s back when they started moving again. “You know I like that…,” Changkyun mumbled while they were passing a few doors along the corridor.

“Like what?” 

“I like it when you call me cute stuff.”

“Yeah?”

Changkyun hummed into the hem of Hoseok’s shirt. He smelled really nice. “It makes me feel as if you’d take care of me…. Nobody ever took care of me.”

“Do you want someone to take care of you?”

“...I can take care of myself.”

“Mhm, I know you can,” Hoseok assured him. “But that wasn’t the question.” He entered the code to his apartment and Changkyun’s memory blacks out again.

He groans, sinking back onto the floor, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him whole. “No, I don’t remember.”

“You’re very cuddly and clingy when you’re drunk,” Hoseok hums.

“Fuck my life,” Changkyun mutters, putting an arm over his face to hide and die.

“So... you’re coming back to bed, or...? The floor doesn’t seem comfortable.”

Back to bed? Changkyun almost yelps because what the fuck is he even doing here? What the fuck is this? “Did I… I mean did we…?” He doesn’t dare looking up at Hoseok.

“Did we what?” The amusement in Hoseok’s voice is audible.

“Oh, come on,” Changkyun groans, rubbing his face. “You know what I mean.” Can this get even more embarrassing? He’s lying on Hoseok’s bedroom floor in nothing but his boxers and a shirt he doesn’t recognize while Hoseok is showing off way too much skin from the bed. He needs fucking help to read the situation here.

“No, we didn’t,” Hoseok finally replies, and Changkyun sighs. Of course they didn’t... But still, what’s he supposed to do with that information now?

“Is there something else I might need to apologize for?” 

“Not to me.” 

_Not to him._ “Great,” Changkyun mutters, staring at the ceiling.

Because of course his blackout doesn’t cover the fight with Kihyun. He remembers most of it, or doesn’t he? Fuck, he really hopes there wasn’t much more because everything that’s still lingering somewhere in the back of his head is already forming heavy stones in his guts, and he suddenly feels sick. “Where’s your bathroom?” 

“First door to the left.”

Changkyun gets up from the floor, avoiding Hoseok’s gaze because he’s never felt so fucking naked in his life, and the whole way to the bathroom feels like a fucking walk of shame. 

At least he doesn’t puke. His stomach spares him this humiliation. But still, Changkyun promises himself to never drink any drop of alcohol ever again.... okay, maybe not ever again, but at least not until he gets over his stupid ~~crush~~ thirst for Hoseok. It’s so fucking ridiculous. Why would he fucking drunk dial him?

Changkyun groans, opening the tap. He rubs the water into his face to get rid of all the memories that started to sneak back up on him, but he gets stuck with an image of himself pressed against Hoseok’s chest while there’s a gentle hand caressing his hair… Fuck. 

That unfamiliar flutter is back. That nervous restlessness, that bubbling heat, that stupid yearning. For what? What’s he fucking yearning for? It’s seriously ridiculous. He needs to find his pants and fucking leave. He needs to delete Hoseok’s number and- Shit, he doesn’t even know where he left his phone.

He groans again, closing the tap. _Get your fucking shit together_ , he scolds himself. 

He needs to stop acting like a fool, like he just woke up from his first one-night-stand. People call him a fuckboy, and he gets embarrassed about some stupid cuddling. Kihyun would laugh his ass off. Or not. Changkyun doesn’t know if they’re on speaking terms, but also not very eager to find out. Still, time to find his phone and go.

So he leaves the bathroom, and to his relief, he spots Hoseok in the living room, rummaging in a little kitchen unit that is separated by a small counter from the rest of the space. It gives Changkyun the freedom to sneak back into the bedroom, looking for his pants. 

He finds them on the floor in front of the bed and while putting them on, he sees his shirt hanging on a chair next to a desk. But after sniffing the fabric, he throws it into the paper trash under the desk because damn, it reeks so disgustingly of alcohol and cigarettes, he can’t fucking wear that and will now have to steal the shirt he’s already wearing. Sry. 

He still scans the desk for his phone, and finds it in front of a stack of books and papers next to Hoseok’s laptop. But instead, he picks up a picture frame he noticed in the back. 

It’s so weird to see Hoseok so young and slender. Even that big and carefree laugh seems so many worlds away from the mature and collected man he knows. Hoseok is standing in the middle with his arms around two other boys. Changkyun recognizes the tall one on the left. He seems younger but his slightly grumpy expression didn’t change, and Changkyun snorts. But who’s the one on the right? 

The sound of a blender pulls Changkyun out of it. He puts the photo quickly back onto the desk before taking his phone. Looking at the lock screen, he sees it’s almost 2 p.m. and there are five missed calls and a few text messages from Kihyun, the last one received an hour ago.

_Hey idiot_

_Stupid dumbass_

_Yaaah_  
_Read your texts ffs_

_Kyunah_

_YAAAAH_

Changkyun huffs, locking the screen again. So they’re still on speaking terms. Good to know. But he can’t deal with that right now.

He walks into the living room where Hoseok (his hair flattened and a loose shirt on) is standing at the counter, opening the lid of a blending container. 

“Hey,” Hoseok smiles at him. “Are you alright?”

Changkyun quickly shifts his gaze away. “I’ll survive,” he replies, scanning the rest of the room. Big TV screen, ordinary couch, two ps4 controllers on a black coffee table that’s covered with a few spots of dust. Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s tidy, yeah, not Kihyun-tidy, though. “Listen,” he starts, sliding his phone into the back pocket of his pants. “Sorry for the drunk dial and… that I made you come and pick me up…” He sees his shoes in front of the door, carelessly kicked off it seems. “I really don’t wanna disturb your plans any further, so I’ll just be going now.”

“Don’t be silly, come here and sit down. I made you breakfast.” Hoseok fills the content of the container into a glass. The liquid is blue. Fucking blue. Who the fuck drinks blue for breakfast?

It reminds Changkyun of a cocktail he once had, and the thought of alcohol makes him feel slightly sick again. “I- uhm, I don’t do breakfast…” 

“Technically, it’s lunch now and not even solid food, so… come on, sit down.”

Changkyun hesitates. “What’s in there?” he asks, approaching the counter before he even realized.

“Give it a try and maybe I’ll tell you.” Hoseok pushes the glass towards Changkyun, and Changkyun sighs, placing his phone on the counter and sitting down on the stool in front of him.

He raises the glass to his nose (it smells like spinach, ugh), and takes a sip. The taste makes him wrinkle his nose. “Is that poison?”

Hoseok chuckles. “No. See it more as medicine. It’ll help with your stomach. What about your head? Does it hurt?

“Uhm, actually… no.” Changykun didn’t even notice that the usual dull hangover pain didn’t come.

“That’s good. I made you take a painkiller before you fell asleep. Glad it worked.”

“Oh,” Changkyun stares at the blue fluid. “Thanks…” He takes another sip just to be busy, but it still tastes kinda disgusting, and Hoseok snickers.

“So, little pup,” Hoseok says, propping his head with his elbow on the counter, “You wanna talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Why you’re avoiding my eyes?”

“What? No.”

“Then, how about last night?”

“What’s there to talk about?” Changkyun taps his fingers against the glass. “I got wasted, said stupid stuff, did stupid things, woke up in someone elses bed. The usual.”

“But your friends got worried,” Hoseok hums. “Couldn’t be that usual after all.”

“Are you going to lecture me now? I know I fucked up,” Changkyun huffs. “Lucky, you’ve been there to see me at my worst.”

“Does it bother you? That I’ve seen you like that?”

“Don’t know. Maybe.” Changkyun tilts the glass as if the blue inside could help him to figure out why, but he doesn’t even understand what makes the blue in the first place.

“Don’t worry about that. If that’s your worst, I can handle it.”

What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? He stays silent, tilting the glass back. It can’t be blueberries. They make stuff muddy and purple at best...

“I’m glad you called,” Hoseok adds. “You’re pretty cute when you’re drunk, you know that?”

Changkyun snorts. “I get a feeling it’s not that hard to be cute in your eyes.”

“Don’t worry, you’re still the cutest of all.”

“Are you flirting with me again?” Changkyun huffs amused.

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

“Wait, what?” Changkyun looks up, and Hoseok smiles at him.

“Hi,” Hoseok greets him now that their eyes meet properly for the first time on this day, and Changkyun suddenly feels like he dropped from the chair but never hit the floor.

Because Hoseok's eyes are still sparkling the same way they did the night on the bridge. Back then Changkyun thought it were the city lights reflecting in them but what if it was the other way around all along and the dark river has never really washed him back ashore? Doesn't that mean that he's still drowning? He puts a leg down to the floor in need to feel the solid ground just to make sure he's safe. 

But nothing feels safe until he drops his gaze back to the smoothie in front of him and even that is still confusing as fuck because he can’t think of anything natural to make it so vibrant blue. He clears his throat. “Shouldn’t I get going? Am I not keeping you from.. I don’t know… stuff?”

“Not really. Hyungwon decided last minute to go home this weekend, and I didn’t make any other plans, yet,” Hoseok says. “So why don’t you just stay? We could order take outs and play games or watch a movie?”

“Uhm,” Changkyun hesitates. He had imagined so many things he’d like to do with Hoseok, but it had never really involved just… hanging out… wow, he suddenly feels bad. “Sure,” he replies.

“Cool. Then, drink up, and I’ll see if I can find some sweats for you.” Hoseok puts the dirty container into the sink and leaves for the bedroom.

 _Fuck my life_ , Changkyun groans to himself, rubbing his face. He knows by now that starring at that fucking blue drink won’t give him any fucking answers. So he gives up and grabs his phone. 

_You asshole_  
_You’re seriously leaving me on read now?_

_FINE_  
_IGNORE ME_  
_YOU STUPID BRAT_

_[img]_  
_why is this blue?_

_Wtf?_

_what's in there to make it blue?_

_It's spirulina, you idiot_  
_What the fuck is wrong with you?_


	8. Chapter 8

Hoseok knows he’s in trouble. 

He tries really hard to feel amused about the distance Changkyun is putting between them since he sobered up, but even if Changkyun doesn’t remember much from last night, (or just pretends not to) Hoseok does, and he can’t get over it.

Because, seriously, Changkyun was so cute when they got home last night and Hoseok asked him to sit down on the bed while he'd get him another shirt from his wardrobe.

"No, I want that one," Changkyun mumbled, holding onto the hem of Hoseok's shirt, not letting go until Hoseok agreed to undress for him, and Changkyun grinned like he’d just won the lottery.

“Finally got you naked at last,” he said very pleased with himself, leaning back onto his elbows.

Hoseok snorted, turning his shirt back to the outside before throwing it over Changkyun’s head. “You’re turn, Casanova.”

Changkyun pulled the shirt from his face. Pretending to be shocked, he covered his chest. “Sunbae, you said only cuddling, or was it all a lie just to get me into your bed?” he playfully huffed.

 _Cheeky_. Hoseok chuckled before leaning forward, one hand onto the mattress, the other hooking two fingers into one of the belt loops of Changkyun’s pants. “Listen, babe,” he said in a low tone. “If you don’t trust me, I can take the couch.”

Changkyun’s grin vanished into a whimper, his eyes suddenly unfocused before staring at the naked torso hovering over him and Hoseok's hand so very close at his belt.

Hoseok pulled at the loop. “Look at me, babe. Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”

Their eyes met again, and Changkyun’s pupils were blown. He shook his head vehemently, and Hoseok smiled at him.

“Then do me a favor and change your shirt while I get you some water and a painkiller, okay?”

“Kay,” Changkyun muttered hardly audible, and Hoseok got up, leaving the room.

He took his time, though, hoping Changkyun would get that cute expression back under control because shit, that was really something else. Something Hoseok really wouldn’t mind to tease and explore. But that wasn’t something Changkyun needed that night.

Still, Hoseok couldn’t remember the last time someone looked at him like that, like there’s something only he could give. And Hoseok knew it’s not true for two handful of reasons, but Changkyun has that talent to make you fall for it anyway. Because everything Changkyun says or does just screams at Hoseok to take care of him, to wrap him into his arms like Changkyun has wrapped him around his finger. It’s almost not fair.

Especially, when Hoseok finally joined him under the blanket, and Changkyun had been still waiting for him.

“You promised cuddles,” he mumbled already half asleep, and Hoseok couldn’t help but chuckle about his own foolishness of thinking he could actually survive a night with Changkyun unharmed.

Of course he couldn’t. Not when Changkyun’s hands where roaming over his back, suddenly freezing in their movements after a soft moan escaped his throat. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll behave,” Changkyun whimpered against Hoseok’s chest. “You just smell so good, I’m sorry.” He tried to withdraw, but Hoseok didn’t let him.

“It’s alright, baby,” he replied softly into Changkyun’s hair, pulling him close and caressing the strands at the back of his neck.

Changkyun started to relax in his arms, pressing himself against Hoseok’s skin with a hum, and Hoseok wished he could pull him closer, pull him into his chest, make him stay. Instead he sighed, forcing himself to remember that he’s not the one Changkyun wants, that Changkyun is so used to finding comfort in others that he doesn’t even realize how he’s making them fall for him before he moves on. And maybe that’s the part where Hoseok should listen to Hyungwon and pull away before he feels too attached, but with Changkyun sleeping in his arms like that… he can’t. He’s already in too deep…

“You’re staring at me,” Changkyun suddenly says. It’s almost midnight, but he's still sitting on Hoseok's couch, focused on the TV screen in front of them with a PS4 controller in his hands.

“Sorry," Hoseok replies, reaching out for his glass on the coffee table. "Got lost in thoughts."

“Why, what're you thinking about?”

“Hmm.. that you haven't asked me about the ingredients of the smoothie again," Hoseok says sheepishly, taking a sip from his juice.

“Liar,” Changkyun snorts. “But I’ll bite. Kihyun already told me the blue comes from spirulina or something. God, that game's getting on my nerves. Like, why's everyone dubbed but the main character? I mean, if that guy was actually mute or something, cool, representation and stuff, but that's obviously not the case, so it's just irritating. Here, I need a break," Changkyun slides the controller towards Hoseok and reaches out for his phone.

"So you made up with Kihyun?" Hoseok puts the glass back on the table, ignoring the controller at his thigh. Throughout the day he had seen Changkyun grin at his phone once in a while, so that would make sense.

"Nah," Changkyun says, leaning forward, grabbing into a bag of potato chips. “We’re still in the middle of a meme fight.” He puts a chip into his mouth and cleans his hand on the sweatpants he’s wearing before quickly typing something into his phone.

Hoseok can’t help but watch him amused. "Who's winning?”

“Technically, we’re both losers. Neither of us got laid. Noona’s apparently mad at him for last night or something,” Changkyun gloats.

“Minji’s a tough woman.”

“You have no idea. She’s in the university's athletics club. I bet Kihyun enjoys it very much when she’s crushing his skull with her thighs.” Changkyun puts a handful of chips into his mouth, still focused on his phone.

“She broke Hyungwon’s arm once when he tried to kiss her.”

Changkyun coughs the chips out of his mouth. “W-What?!” 

“They were in fifth grade,” Hoseok says, bursting into laughter before he starts tapping Changkyun’s back who keeps coughing on some crumbs.

“I didn’t see that coming,” Changkyun finally clears his throat. “But nice to know you can still laugh like that,” he adds, giving Hoseok a grin that’s hard to read.

“Like what?” Hoseok is still snickering when Changkyun is taking a sip from his coke.

“Doesn’t matter,” Changkyun says, putting the glass back on the table, leaning down to pick up the chips that flew onto the ground. “So you know Minji-noona?”

“Hyungwon knows her. I didn’t recognize her until yesterday. Just leave it. I’ll clean it up later.”

“Okay, cool,” Changkyun hesitates. “And sorry to your friend for saying this, but I kinda like her even more now... “ Changkyun grins, getting up from the couch. “Can we play something else?” He takes a look at some other games Hoseok keeps on the shelf.

“Mhm. So you’re getting along with Minji?”

“Yeah, why not?” Changkyun picks a game from the end of the row. “She’s really cool.”

“I thought maybe it’s difficult because of Kihyun...”

Changkyun hesitates before pressing the button to change the disk. “It’s not her fault,” he mutters while the CD slides out of the console. 

“Did you tell him?” 

“Tell him what?” Changkyun inserts the new game and joins Hoseok back on the couch, grabbing the controller before he lets himself fall onto the cushions.

“That you’re in love with him?”

Changkyun snorts. “What? I’m not in love with him.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m positive,” Changkyun chuckles while scrolling through the menu of the new game. “I don’t fall in love. Never happened to me, probably never will. I don’t care. But do I love that stupid jerk? Obviously. It’s just not romantic, you know.”

“Hmmm…” Hoseok sinks further into the cushions of the backrest, sliding down until the back of his head is lying on a sturdy pillow. Did he read it all wrong? “So, what’s the deal with you two?” he asks, wondering for a moment if Changkyun would notice that his knee is now pressing against Hoseok’s thigh, but apparently he did because he stretches his legs, slothing down the cushions as Hoseok did and their legs don’t touch anymore. Too bad...

“Long story short?” Changkyun huffs, switching through the character options on the screen. “We hooked up, became friends with benefits, then something changed, he suddenly got a girlfriend, and now, I’m the third wheel.”

Hoseok turns his head and catches a short second of sadness on Changkyun’s face. “What’s the longer version of the long story?” They’re heads are lying so close to each other on the cushions, Hoseok can actually count Changkyun’s dark eyelashes in front of him.

“I- uhm, okay listen,” Changkyun exhales, keeping his eyes on the game. “It was one of those nights we hooked up and then just kept chatting until sunrise. We told each other how our parents fucked us up and other random shit. We must’ve been still drunk as fuck and seriously sappy for some reason because we promised each other to stay together no matter what, to take care of each other like a family, like the shit I never had. It was a pinky swear and all,” Changkyun snorts amused, but his expression tells something else.

“You think he forgot about the promise you made,” Hoseok says, realizing that Changkyun’s hurt goes way deeper than some unrequited love.

“Yeah, or maybe he remembers but doesn’t care that he’s leaving me lonely as fuck. Maybe that’s what everyone thinks family means. Or maybe I'm the stupid one, thinking family means something else. I don't know anymore. I just know I'm tired as fuck.”

“Kyunah…”

“What?” Changkyun sniffles, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand.

“He cares, okay? Last night, he was ready to fight me.”

Changkyun huffs. “He’s ready to fight anyone, that stupid hamster.” 

“Wait, hamster?” Hoseok laughs.

“Have you ever seen him eat? How he’s stuffing both of his cheeks full with rice?”

“Actually, I have,” Hoseok chuckles. “In the cafeteria once. He looked really cute.”

“Yeah, stupidly cute, that asshead. God,” Changkyun sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can’t I have a fight with him for once without instantly missing him like an idiot?”

“I bet he’s thinking the same, or else your phone wouldn’t light up every 10 minutes.”

"Yeah, well, to be honest, half of those messages are some random people asking me to hook up with them tonight, so…" Changkyun smirks, turning his head to look at Hoseok, but apparently he just now realizes how close their faces are, and he freezes for a second when their eyes meet.

"So…? Why are you still here?” Hoseok smiles at him, his voice turning soft as he tries to ease the hope that suddenly feels too real.

Because even now, Changkyun is still wearing Hoseok's shirt from last night. After taking a shower he just ignored the new shirt Hoseok had brought him. "I like that color better," he muttered, hiding his nose under the collar, as if that didn't make Hoseok believe that Changkyun was still thinking of last night, was still enjoy his scent around him...

"You want me to go?" Changkyun asks, his eyes so dark and handsome, and maybe a little sad.

“No,” Hoseok replies, almost whispering. “But there are so many people waiting for your call, and yet, you called me. Why?”

“I don’t know,” Changkyun says, lowering his voice as well, his eyes skipping down to Hoseok’s lips and back up to his eyes. “Didn’t you apply to be my bodyguard? I guess you got hired.”

“Mhhh… Then, be careful, baby wolf,” Hoseok chuckles, daring to move closer when he sees Changkyun licking his lips. “There’s this famous movie about the main character falling in love with their bodyguard, you know?...”

“I don’t care. I told you I don’t fall in love…”

“Mhm,” Hoseok hums, closing the gap between them, and Hoseok’s core starts to flutter instantly.

Because this time, Changkyun takes his time, cupping Hoseok’s upper lip softly between his, waiting for Hoseok to reach out for him, for their lips to brush each other when they move away just to meet again, the soft pillow of Changkyun’s bottom lip asking so sweetly for entrance, and Hoseok accepts him willingly, opening his mouth just slightly to let him in, to move his own tongue carefully over the smooth surface before Changkyun pulls away with a moan just to lean forward again, palming Hoseok’s face and pressing their lips back together. The controller falls to the floor while he’s climbing onto Hoseok’s lap, and Hoseok welcomes him, pulling him close to his chest, giving him all the space he wants to lick into his mouth, to finally go wild as much as he wants because this time, it doesn't feel like it's too much, this time, Hoseok wants to hear all the sweet little sounds Changkyun makes, wants to hold him close, wants to take care of him…

"Fuck," Changkyun breathes, pushing himself away from Hoseok lips. "I'm sorry, I have to go." He tries to get off Hoseok's lap, but Hoseok is still holding him tight, and Changkyun sighs, pushing at his arms. “I want you too much. Please let me go, I can’t just make out with you, it’s killing me. Seriously sunbae, please,” he whimpers when Hoseok’s lips are slowly brushing over his neck, kissing the side of his jaw. “What are you doing?” he asks suddenly breathless, his body getting weaker in Hoseok’s hold. “I know you don’t wan-”

“I want to take care of you,” Hoseok hums, kissing the sensitive spot in front of Changkyun’s ear, enjoying the way Changkyun feels like he’s going to fall apart in his arms, and Changkyun moans in surprise, when Hoseok turns them around, pressing Changkyun’s back flat into the couch before their lips meet again.

“Please, let me take care of you,” Hoseok breathes into Changkyun’s mouth, and there’s another moan escaping Changkyn’s throat.

“I don’t know what that means,” Changkyun sighs, and Hoseok sits up.

“Tonight,” he says, taking off his shirt, letting it fall to the floor. “It means, you can touch me above the waist, and I’ll touch you below, okay?”

“W-What?”

“Is that a no?” Hoseok's lips curl up.

“That’s a fucking yes,” Changkyun groans, reaching out for the naked skin in front of him, and Hoseok chuckles when Changkyun pulls him down.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/nightmoonish) and [my playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6qOtSd6RJEngapXsbISWNc?si=creteyCZS2GVjIYrIcnpLg)


	9. Chapter 9

Monday around noon, Changkyun is sitting in the cafeteria, poking the rice of his ~~breakfast~~ lunch. It’s not the first time he overslept and missed his syntax class because seriously, who’s setting a fucking alarm just to draw stupid tree diagrams? Definitely not him. But still, everything feels so fucking different, and Changkyun can’t stop himself from spacing out. 

Because it wasn’t Kihyun kicking him out of bed this morning. It was Hoseok, gently burying his nose into the crook of Changkyun’s neck.

“Hey, baby woof, time to wake up,” Hoseok whispered against the skin of Changkyun’s shoulders, sending a pleasant shiver down his spine, and Changkyun groans, stabbing the rice in front of him as if that could silence that sweet tingling in his guts.

He can’t believe he spent all weekend with Hoseok, can’t believe how fucking good it had felt when Hoseok had pulled him back into bed on Sunday morning.

"Where are you going," Hoseok had asked, rolling on top of Changkyun as if to make sure he couldn't run.

But running was the last thing on Changkyun’s mind when he opened his legs for Hoseok's weight to settle down on his pelvis.

Fuck, that memory alone makes Changkyun almost moan out loud, and he remembers how he could just barely prevent himself from throwing his legs around those teasing hips, just barely, so fucking barely, while his mind blew up with the need to grind himself against that sweet, sweet weight… _Fuck my life_ , he thought, focusing on a random spot on the ceiling. 

"I don't know. Home?" he whispered suddenly unsure of what to do. He just knew he was unable to look at Hoseok, unable to handle his fucking arousal for that man, especially after what Hoseok had done to him the night before… fuck, and Hoseok knew. Of course he fucking knew because Changkyun could hear him grin.

"Didn't you say you don't have a home?"

"I also said I talk shit when I'm drunk."

"Mhm," Hoseok chuckled, leaning forward, brushing Changkyun’s cheek with his nose before running his lips over to the sensitive spot in front of Changkyun’s ear, leaving kisses, kisses so soft and tingling, Changkyun was sure Hoseok’s been whispering magic spells onto his skin. Why else would his body suddenly feel like falling apart again, going so fucking weak, Changkyun had to put his arms around Hoseok, had to hold onto that strong body while he was betrayed by his own...

"Do you have something better to do than spending another day with me?" Hoseok asked, his lips on Changkyun’s neck, slowly making their way over to his throat, and Changkyun didn’t dare to swallow.

"No," he exhaled in a whisper, giving up. "Definitely not..." and when Hoseok's hand found its way back between Changkyun's legs, Changkyun groaned, biting into the strong traps at his mouth…

"Don’t bite the spoon. Your teeth will suffer.”

“Huh?” Changkyun snaps out of his thoughts, watching Minji putting her tray onto the table and sitting down in front of him. _Great_. He pulls the spoon out of his mouth, turning his focus back to his bowl still full of rice. He almost forgot the mess from Friday night...

“Where’s Kihyun?” Minji asks, leaning back on her chair, opening a small bottle of water.

“Don’t know,” Changkyun mutters, poking his food. "Shouldn't you know better than me?”

Minji frowns at him while taking a sip. "I thought you had class together this morning? Are you still fighting?" She puts the cap back on the bottle.

"Who knows. I overslept."

"Mh…" she hesitates, lifting her chopsticks just to stare at her food. "Kyunah... I know… he told you about our fight… and I'm sorry."

“Ah, yeah,” Changkyun suddenly feels too sober for this kind of conversation. “Can we like… not talk about that?” Funny how the nausea still returns as soon as he thinks of alcohol. 

“He shouldn't have talked to you about it in the first place,” Minji sighs. “It wasn't fair to both of us."

"Maybe. But what's fair when you're involved with Yoo Kihyun?" Changkyun snorts bitterly, looking up at Minji, and she gives him a tired smile.

"I guess he'd say the same about you."

Changkyun notices the dark circles around her eyes. Of course. Kihyun had mentioned they were fighting again… "I bet he does," Changkyun exhales, leaving the spoon in his bowl, leaning back. "Why is my life such a mess," he groans, rubbing his face.

"Listen," Minji snorts. “I’m in the middle of a fucking love triangle. It’s not exactly dandy here on my side either.”

“A love triangle?” Changkyun huffs out a laugh. "I don't do love triangles." Then he leans forward with a mischievous smirk. "But how about instead of kicking me out of the fun, you'd try and invite me in for once. I promise you wouldn't regret it," he winks.

“Is that so?” Minji looks at him amused. “I thought you’re not into women?”

"I'd make an exception for you," Changkyun grins. "You know I like you, right?"

"I'll keep that in mind," Minji laughs when there's suddenly a cough next to them.

"Stop flirting with my girl, you horny idiot," Kihyun huffs, placing his tray next to Minji, joining them at the table.

"I’m just offering,” Changkyun snicker, leaning back. “As if you’ve never thought about a threesome with us.”

“Shut up,” Kihyun groans, placing a piece of broccoli on Changkyun’s rice. “Eat, or you’ll lack the stamina to even think about fucking both of us.”

“Tz, I was actually counting on you to do all the work,” Changkyun says, putting the broccoli into his mouth grinning like an idiot. Because there's this pretty blush on Kihyun's cheeks, which definitely means that he had indeed thought about this threesome before. _Nice_.

"Yeah, it’s totally over between you two." Minji rolls her eyes, getting up. "I'm going to the restrooms. But bold of you to assume that I don't know how to use a strap," she adds, taping Changkyun on the shoulder before leaving.

Changkyun's head snaps back to Kihyun. "Seriously?"

"Sure," Kihyun grins into his rice.

"The more I know about her the more I understand why you like her so much."

"Yeah, I like her a lot…"

"Uhm, so…" Changkyun’s grin disappears, realizing that Kihyun and Minji haven't exchanged a word with each other. "Will you two be okay...?"

"We'll survive, don't worry," Kihyun replies, stuffing his cheeks with rice like nothing happened and they fall silent for a moment. Changkyun knows Kihyun would let it all slide without an apology, but still… Changkyun starts poking at his food again. 

"I'm sorry," he mutters. "I had a few shitty days, and with your stuff all gone and things… happening, I kinda just snapped..."

"Don't worry about it," Kihyun sighs, slowing down with his food. "You were right about the distance I put between us, and I wasn't completely honest with you... It wasn't only for Minji's sake, but I also needed some space to figure things out for myself… so I'm sorry, too."

"Oh… Do you still need… some space?"

"I don't know. Maybe? But I didn't forget our promise, okay? And Minji also knows what she signed up to, so..."

"So you're going to keep me as dead weight. Got it," Changkyun snorts.

"Don’t say shit like that. You're not dead weight."

"Really? But these days I kinda feel like it. Like you're heading forward, working seriously on a future while I'm just trying to drag you back, making it more difficult for both of us. I'm even tired of myself to be honest..."

"Kyunah... where's that suddenly coming from…?"

"I don't know,” Changkyun sighs, wondering how he must look in Hoseok’s eyes, and there’s suddenly so many things bothering him, so many things he’d like to change about himself. “I met this guy…,” he continues. “He seems so fucking mature and collected as if he got it all figured out. Like nothing can throw him off his track. And here I am. The biggest mess…"

"Are we talking about that buff dude from statistics?"

"Yeah,” Changkyun chuckles because Kihyun is still calling him like that. “I spent the whole weekend with him…" 

"Oh… Okay?” Kihyun frowns. “So what’s the deal with you two? You didn’t tell me anything about the date. To be honest I assumed it didn’t go that well because you got really moody afterwards, but then you suddenly call him to pick you up?”

"In my defense, I didn't call him to pick me up. I just called him and then he was suddenly there. But I can imagine he must have looked pretty sexy when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere to claim me," Changkyun's lips curl back up into a grin.

"Yeah, he looked hot, and you seemed close. I got jealous," Kihyun mutters.

"Mhm, who wouldn't want to get their hands on that fine man? But to tell you the truth, we didn't fuck."

"I didn't mea- wait, what?"

"I mean we did make out and… stuff," Changkyun coughs slightly, feeling the heat in his core returning with the memory. "But mostly we just hung out and talked and… cuddled? Don't laugh, okay?" (Kihyun doesn't laugh.) "But it felt so fucking good. I seriously don't know what the fuck he did to me. It's like from that moment he kissed me on that bridge I just can't get him out of my head? And fuck my life, the way he's kissing me, I feel like there's no solid ground under my feet and I'm on a fucking roller coaster with all that excitement fluttering in my stomach because everything feels so unpredictable? It's like all the rules I'm used to don't fucking apply to him,” Changkyun sighs. “It’s so weird. I just saw him this morning but I'm already wondering what he's doing now. It's too soon to text him, right?" He pulls his phone out, scrolling through his latest texts, but there’s no reaction from Kihyun. 

"Kihyunah?" Changkyun looks up, but Kihyun still doesn't reply. He's just watching Changkyun with an unreadable expression. "What’s wrong?"

"Kyunah," Kihyun finally says, his voice kind of strange. "What's that guy's name?"

Changkyun frowns at him. "Hoseok, why?"

"Great," Kihyun huffs. "Congrats," he adds, dropping his spoon into the bowl, grabbing the tray.

"Congrats for what?" Changkyun asks confused, watching Kihyun standing up. 

"For finally falling in love, you stupid asshead."

"What? You know I don't-" _That can't be. It doesn’t make sense. Fuck, no_. "Kihyunah, where are you going?"

"I need fresh air,” Kihyun replies, leaving the table.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone.
> 
> This chapter has been sitting in my docs for months now, but after everything that happened I didn't have the heart to post it.
> 
> I'm better now and hopeful. I'm sure we will eventually see him again.  
> Until then, I'm ready to write my own happy ending even if the chapters in between might be a little sad.
> 
> Please be prepared for this last story arc to be a little angsty.

"You're in love with him," Hyungwon states Monday afternoon when they’re sitting in the cafeteria next to each other, and Hoseok just hums in reply.

He didn’t tell Hyungwon every detail of his weekend with Changkyun, but of course Hyungwon would grasp the underlying tone.

“Hmpf,” Hyungwon adds wordlessly with a frown at his food, and Hoseok pushes his tray away because it can’t be helped. He isn’t hungry at all.

“Shouldn’t you be scolding me?” he asks, grabbing his bottle of water instead.

He actually expected Hyungwon to start a lecture about how easy it is to confuse love with emotional attraction to someone who’s enabling a savior complex, and of course Hoseok had already thought about that.

But he also knows that Changkyun doesn’t need his saving, nor anyone else’s, not in the romantic sense anyway. Because life is complicated, and Changkyun’s promiscuous loneliness might be a symptom of an emotional disorder caused by parental absence during his childhood. This can’t be cured by the sudden appearance of an affectionate hero...

Still, Hoseok can’t deny the heavy yearning filling his chest last night when Changkyun was resting his head right above Hoseok’s heart, whispering “I could get used to this…” as if that wouldn’t make Hoseok fall even deeper for this restless boy who just told him so very subtly that maybe, yeah, maybe Hoseok could be the one to make him stay…

“Why would I scold you,” Hyungwon exhales, rubbing his forehead as if to ease a lingering headache. He seems unusually tired from his trip home, and Hoseok is eyeing him warily while taking a sip from his water.

“I don’t know,” he hums, closing the bottle again. “Maybe because you told me from the start to stay away and now you’ll still have to listen to my whining?”

“You’re not the whiny type.”

“Too bad,” Hoseok replies amused. He actually feels a little lovesick and very tempted to talk about it because it's so interesting how he’s experiencing all the physical symptoms although he made sure to be mentally prepared...

But then, this morning, he had also been prepared to let Changkyun go, and it still wasn't easy to watch him put on his shoes.

At the door Changkyun was hesitating, though, obviously unsure what to say. Maybe he didn’t want to make false promises as much as Hoseok didn’t want to hear them. He knew that Changkyun had found comfort in his arms, just as he knew that Changkyun was used to finding comfort in physical intimacy in general. Hoseok couldn’t allow himself to forget that this whole weekend was probably nothing special in Changkyun’s eyes… So Hoseok just pulled him in for a kiss, savoring the sweet taste of Changkyun’s lips so much more than any cute lie that might've escaped that pretty mouth.

“You can keep the shirt,” Hoseok whispered against Changkyun’s lips, just to let him know that he wasn’t expecting things from him, and Changkyun hummed, keeping his hands at Hoseok’s chest while opening his eyes.

“See you in statistics then, I guess,” he said, looking at Hoseok as if he wouldn’t mind extending the weekend for another night, and Hoseok was so damn tempted to just give in, to pretend for another day that he could still be casual with him…

But the truth was, he couldn't. He was already so much in love, he wouldn't be able to keep his feelings in a safe distance, so Hoseok just smiled. "Yeah," he replied. "See you in statistics..." Because that was a promise that seemed fair enough...

Hyungwon sighs, pushing his tray away as well. "Do it,” he says.

“Do what?” Hoseok chuckles.

“Enjoy his attention, or if he’s already bored, then just pick someone else. I mean, look around. There’s plenty more cute people you could try to date and fall in love with.”

“What are you saying?” Hoseok snorts, putting his bottle back on the table. He’s not even bothering to look at other people.

Because he already knows that there’s nobody catching his interest, not to the point where he could imagine them in his arms, even less in a way that would make him want to pleasure them. He knows allosexuals have expectations and Hoseok doesn’t believe in forcing himself into being intimate with someone just for the sake of making it work. That's always been an obstacle when he tried to see himself with someone other than Hyunwoo...

Changkyun on the other hand…

There's something in the way he's avoiding Hoseok’s eyes… too shy or too considerate to confess his physical attraction, and that’s so damn cute, so unbearable charming. It made Hoseok unusual curious about what Changkyun was trying to hide from him. He just couldn’t help but want to tease and explore, and the only thing Hoseok regrets is that he’s been too reasonable this morning by letting him go. 

Because it turned out that Changkyun is truly the cutest when he’s aroused, when he’s so very willing to accept all of Hoseok’s attention… Hoseok doesn’t even dare to think of Changkyun’s sweet moans and the way he’s been clinging onto him, trembling through his climax, leaving love bites all over Hoseok’s skin… It might be the first time Hoseok actively didn’t want someone to leave his bed…

But Hyungwon doesn’t need to know all of this.

“I’m not into plain cute anymore,” Hoseok says instead. “My standards have risen. I prefer changcute now. It’s the superlative of cuteness,” he grins, but Hyungwon doesn’t seem amused.

“Then call him. Do whatever, just live your life.”

“What?” Hoseok chuckles. “Are you going through another yolo phase? Do I need to worry?”

“It wasn’t-,” Hyungwon groans. “Listen, yolo and memento mori are two different concepts!”

“Same message.”

“How can you say that when the psychological origins are completely different?!”

“So, you’re saying that you’re going to pull out your goth wardrobe again?” Hoseok grins. “I really liked those underground boots on you.”

“You wish,” Hyungwon huffs, and Hoseok props himself on an elbow to have a better view at Hyungwon’s annoyed frown. It's so cute.

“Listen,” Hoseok says, his grin growing even bigger. “Lee Minji said hi. Why didn’t you tell me she’s here?”

“Oh god,” Hyungwon groans. He leans back, rubbing his face. “Because I knew you’d tease me about it!”

“Well,” Hoseok hums amused. “I didn’t plan to but now that you’re in this weird carpe diem mood, I worry you might go carpe kiss again.”

“I hate you,” Hyungwon says. “You know, I didn’t want to kiss her in the first place! We played truth or dare, okay? She was laughing her ass off when others had to kiss, but when it was her turn she broke my fucking arm!”

“She probably didn’t realize how strong she was back then.”

“Good for her for finding out!”

“You survived.”

“BARELY.”

Hoseok laughs.

“I hate it when you do that, you know?” Hyungwon huffs.

“Do what?”

“Teasing me just to divert attention from things you don’t wanna talk about.”

“Mhh,” Hoseok sinks onto the table until his head is resting on his arm. “I’m not the one hiding things. Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?” He looks up at Hyungwon, but Hyungwon expectedly drops his gaze, suddenly more interested in his own hands.

“Can’t I just be in a weird mood for once?” He starts kneading his fingers in a pattern Hoseok already knows too well.

“Wonah,” Hoseok says softly, sitting up again. He reaches out for Hyungwon’s hands and forces one of his own between Hyungwon's fingers to make him stop. “Did something happen at home? Is your mom sick again?”

“No, she’s fine…” Hyungwon mutters, accepting Hoseok’s hand, stroking over his skin in a much gentler way. “But there's something you need to know...”

“Okay? Then just tell me,” Hoseok tries with an encouraging smile, but Hyungwon is still avoiding his eyes and just sighs.

“I was on my way to Minhyuk..." he starts hesitantly. "I met Hyunwoo’s mom at the bus stop and… she told me that… uhm…" Hyungwon sighs again. "Hyunwoo is getting married…” he finally exhales, looking up, waiting for Hoseok's mind to process the words.

It takes a second, but then, Hoseok leans back.

“They will send out the invitations soon," Hyungwon adds, shifting his gaze back to his hands.

Of course. The growing distance, the ongoing radio silence...

“Hyung, are you okay?”

There's a squeeze at his arm, but Hoseok just hums while trying to figure out what he feels. He actually doesn't feel much. In fact, he feels completely numb, and he knows that means his emotional protection system must be shutting him down… so… “No,” he finally replies. “I guess, I’m not okay…”


	11. Chapter 11

Friday night Changkyun is sitting in Pino’s bar, stirring a fucking mango iced tea with a plastic straw, and it’s really hard to tell if he chose that drink because he still can’t handle the smell of alcohol or if it’s just another way to torture himself. Either way he feels like a fucking fool.

Because he actually got excited. About this whole falling in love thing. About how his mind has been occupied with Hoseok as if thinking about him became a full-time job to every cell of his body. He couldn’t eat nor sleep. There was no room for any other craving but for the weight of Hoseok’s body pressing him into the cushions, making him fall even deeper under the spell of his warm lips. They were humming over Changkyun's skin as if Hoseok could actually taste the yearning building up in his core.

"Hold on tight," Hoseok had said, lifting Changkyun against the headboard of the bed before going fucking down on him… 

"Fuck my life," Changkyun whimpers silently. He pulls the straw out of the glass and takes a big sip to calm the fuck down.

He’s seriously acting as if he’s never been pleasured before, and maybe he hasn’t, not like that, not in a way that would make his legs tremble and his hands start shaking while he’s weaving his fingers into soft strands of hair…

God, it shouldn’t have felt like that. A weekend in someone else's bed had never felt like that. 

Never before had he woken up from a nap, feeling so very much at ease with the sudden awareness of an unfamiliar weight at his shoulder. They had fallen asleep in the middle of the Sunday afternoon while watching a movie, and it took Changkyun a moment to realize that at some point their hands must have slipped under the covers just to hold each other in sweet secrecy...

It startled Changkyun. 

It startled him so much he pulled away, or at least he tried, but Hoseok wouldn't let him. Instead, he was running his thumb gently over Changkyun's palm.

"Five more minutes," Hoseok hummed, ignoring the laptop that was sliding down from the blanket on his legs when he turned closer towards Changkyun, and now Changkyun wished he had realized way sooner that even those five more minutes wouldn’t feel like enough…

Especially now, after figuring out that being in love actually sucks, it’s torturing him, filling his head with a lack of comprehension about how he could've let himself been so carried away while Hoseok didn’t seem affected at all, or at least not enough to extend the weekend, or to text back, or to actually show up in statistics… 

Changkyun almost choked on that heavy disappointment. Getting excited for nothing... That stupid feeling of abandonment… he hates it. It’s the worst. Falling in love is the worst… It’s like someone handed him a million unspoken promises, but they’re so fragile, they already started to break before he even realized what to do with them. And now what? What is he supposed to do with them?

He didn’t bother to find out and stayed in bed for the rest of the week, but then, Kihyun stormed into his room this morning.

"You missed phonology, you lazy ass," Kiyhun huffed, pulling the blanket off from Changkyun's useless body.

"Kihyunah," Changkyun sighed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He couldn't care less about the blanket. "Give me your inhaler. It's so hard to breathe."

"Don't be so dramatic." Kihyun threw the blanket back onto the bed and over Changkyun's head. 

“You don’t understand,” Changkyun mumbled through the blanket. “I feel like dying.”

Kihyun snorted. “Yeah, I don’t understand ‘cuz you’re the first and only one to experience unrequited infatuation, congrats. Now get up.”

Changkyun chose not to reply. He just listened to Kihyun rummaging at his desk, but then something heavy fell to the floor, and Changkyun sat up, pulling the blanket from his face. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m looking for your psyling book,” Kihyun huffed, picking up the philology dictionary that Changkyun forgot to return to the library half a year ago... Kihyun threw it back on the desk as if it didn’t weigh a ton. “If we hurry, we can still make it,” he added with a furrowed brow as he finally found Changkyun’s Mac under a shitload of papers.

“I hate you,” Changkyun groaned, letting himself fall back onto the cushions, pulling the blanket over his head. “Go away,” he exhaled so fucking annoyed he hoped Kihyun would get it and leave him alone.

And Kihyun actually stopped. He put all the stuff back onto the desk and sighed. “Fine...” But instead of leaving, Changkyun could hear him drop his shoulder bag onto the floor and a moment later Kihyun’s weight was pressing down onto the mattress.

"What the-," Changkyun got up on his elbow, eyeing Kihyun warrily. “Was ‘go away’ the magical phrase to get you back into my bed all along, or what’s happening now?”

“Shut up, you idiot,” Kihyun huffed, propping himself against the headboard. He sneezed and rubbed his nose, before taking the PS4 controller from Changkyun’s nightstand. “Apparently, we’re going to skip classes all day, so I’m going to play GTA now, that’s what’s happening.”

“Uhm, that’s new.”

“What?" Kihyun snuffled, his voice more nasally now. "You don't like it?"

“I- uhm… I thought we’re not supposed to hang out… in my bed?”

“Yeah, well, maybe you better buy a couch then.” Kihyun sneezed again. “God, Kyunah, please clean your fucking room.” He reached back for Changkyun’s nightstand and took an almost empty pack of tissues out of the drawer.

“Bless you,” Changkyun said, hesitantly switching the TV on. "If you… uhm... come to hang out more often from now on, I might even buy a new duster,” he added, unsure if Kihyun was being serious or not.

“Deal,” Kihyun replied after blowing his nose. “But do you even have time for me in your busy fuckboy schedule?” he grinned.

“Asshole,” Changkyun snorted. Joining Kihyun at the headboard, he took the controller from Kihyun’s lap. “You know I would’ve ditched them all for you," Changkyun said, logging into his last saved game because apparently they were really doing this. Hanging out. Like old times, almost.

“Yeah, back then, when I was still stripping for you. What about now?”

“First of all,” Changkyun started, unable to suppress a subtle grin. “I remember several times where you made us both come while we were still fully dressed."

"Now that you mention it," Kihyun hummed amused. "Didn't we almost get caught that one time in the library?"

" _That_ definitely helped to push me over the edge," Changkyun snorted. "I don't even know how we got home that day with all that mess."

"Me neither, but à propos mess, remember Jihun's party?" Kihyun’s grin was fully audible.

"The one where you called me from the basement to help you reorganize that storage shelf? Definitely not going to forget that,” Changkyun replied while stealing a police car in-game. “You were very neurotic and equally needy that night. Kinda liked that combination. How did you even get down there?"

"Someone asked me to get more cups or something," Kihyun shrugged before sneezing again. "I wasn't prepared for the battlefield I'd find there. Lucky, you got my back that night."

“Well, I got you _on_ your back that night,” Changkyun chuckled, enjoying this memory lane. “You were so drunk, you told me you loved me afterwards."

Kihyun coughed. “I fucking what?!"

"Don’t worry. You just obviously had a good time. It was cute, really." The shelf had been neatly organized and Kihyun completely blissed out. His body had been weak like jello and therefore out of function, so Changkyun helped him closing his belt. That’s when Kihyun said “I love you, you know?” He also muttered something like “I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” But Changkyun wasn’t really sure because he wasn’t particularly sober either… ah, good old times… being drunk and all...

“...”

“Kihyunah?” Changkyun could hear the wheezing in Kihyun’s lungs. "Are you okay? Did this just seriously trigger your asthma?"

"Shut up,” Kihyun pressed out between coughs, getting up. “It’s the fucking dust.”

"Do you want me to open the window or something?"

Kihyun shaked his head, obviously struggling to breathe properly while looking for the inhaler in his bag, and Changkyun almost got up to get the spare one from the bathroom, but then remembered that Kihyun had already taken it out of the mirror cabinet the day he came to collect all his stuff. Fuck. But Kihyun already waved at him.

"Got it, got it" he coughed, shaking the inhaler, and Changkyun watched the familiar procedure of his exhale, followed by the familiar sound of a deep inhale through the mouthpiece, then slow exhale, and repeat...

"Remember that one time you got that really bad asthma attack and we had to get you to the hospital?" Changkyun sighed, leaning back against the headboard of the bed.

"Because you dumbass made me laugh so hard my chest couldn't take it," Kihyun snorted, a slight cough still escaping his lungs, and Changkyun watched him digging up his antihistamine pills.

"That scared the shit out of me," he said.

Kihyun was sipping on a small bottle of water. “Wouldn’t have guessed it from the way you were clinging onto me for a whole week afterwards,” he grinned, closing the bottle and dropping it back into his bag.

“I will not apologize for that,” Changkyun huffed amused, and Kihyun sat back on the bed, taking the forgotten controller out of Changkyun’s hands.

“I didn’t say I didn't like it.”

“So uhm... back to that love confession?” Changkyun grinned, leaning closer to Kihyun, but Kihyun pushed him away.

“Shut up and don’t use that to make fun of me, you asshole.”

“I won’t, I won’t,” Changkyun chuckled, sitting back up. “But seriously, did you ever fall in love with someone who didn’t love you back?”

Kihyun hesitated, but then he muttered: “Who hasn’t, you idiot.”

“Sorry, as you know I’m pretty late to the party,” Changkyun huffed, looking at the screen, but in-game Kihyun was only aimlessly running around. ”What happened? How did you get over it?”

Kihyun sighed. “It was someone… I had fun with, but he wasn’t really uhm... emotional available, so at some point, I decided to move on… also for the sake of our friendship, I guess…”

Changkyun turned towards Kihyun. “You’re still friends?”

But Kihyun didn’t look back at him. "Mhm."

“Who is it? Do I know him?! Is it that weird dude from pragmatics?! I was wondering what the fuck was going on between you two…” Changkyun had seen them chatting a few times in the corridors. One time that dude must have said something funny because Kihyun was laughing and touching his arm, definitely flirting, and for some reason Changkyun suddenly didn’t like that thought.

“It’s not him,” Kihyun groaned. “We just had a group presentation before I met you. There’s never been anything going on. I can’t believe how fucking stupid you are sometimes, seriously.” 

“Then, who is it?”

“I won’t tell you. You’re such a dumbass, you don’t deserve to know.”

“I’ll figure it out on my own, then” Changkyun huffed, crossing his arms. “But anyway, he’s stupid for letting you go like that.”

Kihyun snorted. “That’s what I’m telling him _all the fucking time_.”

Changkyun blinked at him, and Kihyun turned pale.

“It’s that Yoongi dude, right?”

Kihyun smacked a pillow into his face. “I’m going home.”

“No, I’m sorry!” Changkyun grabbed Kihyun’s arm and they stared at each other until Kihyun snatched the pillow back from Changkyun’s hand.

“I said I won’t tell you,” he muttered, pushing the pillow behind his back as he leaned against the headboard.

“Okay, I won’t ask again,” Changkyun promised, handing him the controller back. “Just… uhm, you got over it, right?”

“Yes and no,” Kihyun sighed, ignoring the controller. He took the last tissue out of the package.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I miss the past, but I wouldn’t change the future,” he replied before blowing his nose.

“Because of noona?”

“Yeah, because of her… ”

“Mhm, how nice,” Changkyun exhaled, leaning further into the cushions and watching Kihyun throwing the tissue into the trash. “I have another pack in the drawer if you need it. And also,” he hesitated. “You forgot your bracelet. It’s in there, too.”

Kihyun opened the drawer. “I didn’t forget it,” he muttered, taking the new pack of tissues before closing the drawer again. “It’s stupid, but I want you to have it… as a souvenir.”

“To remind me of that really nice stay on Kihyun-Island?” Changkyun asked with a little grin, and Kihyun groaned.

“If you’re going to make fun of it, I’m taking it back!” He was about to open the drawer again, but Changkyun pulled him away from the nightstand.

“It’s mine now! Don’t touch it!”

Kihyun huffed. “You’re so annoying, I might be allergic to _you_.” He shoved the controller into Changkyun’s lap and used a new tissue to blow his nose.

“Too bad ‘cuz I know first hand that you love me,” Changkyun grinned, sliding down the headboard, his focus back on the screen.

“Listen, Kyunah, I-” Kihyun sighed. “I don’t like it that you fell in love with that buff guy...”

Changkyun snorted. “Yeah, me neither.”

“But... I think you should call him. Maybe he’s been just busy.”

“Yeah, I know. I invented that kind of busy. It means he’s not interested,” Changkyun muttered, kicking the remote control further down the sheets.

“Then, maybe karma’s a bitch. I don’t know. But you’ll regret it if you don’t give it a shot.”

“I fucking texted him three times already and he didn’t reply even once. I’m not going to call him when I already know he’s not going to pick up.”

"But what if he does? Just because you-"

"Kihyunah," Changkyun interrupted him. "Please don't do this. I’m not going to fucking call him, okay? It's bad enough that I obviously misunderstood all his attention. I really don't have to make an even bigger fool of myself because of _what ifs_ and _maybes_. Can we now drop that topic and play something else?” He got up to change the disk, hoping the conversation would be over, but Kihyun still gave him some vague kind of scolding about how he could’ve pick someone better as his first love, whatever that was supposed to mean, as if he could fucking choose who’s going to give him all those annoying butterflies...

But maybe he would've chosen Hoseok anyway… 

Changkyun sighs. Throwing the plastic straw back into the glass of the iced tea, he stands up to get some fresh air.

After Kihyun had left the dorms to get ready for his date with Minji, Changkyun couldn’t stand his empty room and ended up in Pino’s bar. But now after his date with Hoseok, his favorite place of distraction doesn’t feel the same anymore. It doesn’t feel right, or maybe, Changkyun doesn’t feel right for this place anymore. Because he’s done fucking around and living without a goal. He just doesn’t know where to start from here when all he can think about is how much he wants to see that one guy who flipped his whole world and who doesn’t fucking reply...

It also doesn’t help that Changkyun can’t stop scrolling through their chat, as if that would summon a response that wasn’t there before, and all the _what ifs_ and _maybes_ start to sneak back into his mind. Even the cool air outside of the bar doesn’t help to clear his head. 

So he leans against the window of a closed shop, thinking _fuck it_. He clicks the number he didn’t want to call and puts the phone to his ear.

It’s past midnight anyway. Just one of a million reasons why Hoseok won’t pick u-

“Hi,” Hoseok’s soft voice answers after a few dial tones, and Changkyun’s heart drops a hundred floors because he wasn’t prepared to catch it.

“You picked up...” he says, staring at his shoes, trying to find words he didn’t prepare to say.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don't know… It’s late…”

“I wasn’t asleep, yet.”

 _But you're in bed, right?_ Changkyun thinks, knowing exactly how to picture Hoseok shirtless in the sheets, and he has to squat down because the yearning grows too heavy. “You didn’t text back…” he mutters, running his finger over the front seam on his shoes.

“Mhm, sorry,” Hoseok replies. No explanation, no excuses, and Changkyun snorts.

 _Sunbae, you're so cruel..._ “Been busy?”

“Something like that. Why are you calling?”

 _I miss you…_ Changkyun hesitates. He can't say it.

“Are you drunk again?”

“Yeah...” Changkyun lies instead. “Can you come and pick me up?” _I want to see you..._

Hoseok doesn't reply.

“Sunbae?”

"Changkyunah," he sighs. "Call Kihyun."

"What?"

"If you want someone to pick you up, call Kihyun, okay?"

"..."

"Kyunah?"

"Okay, understood. Sorry for bothering you." Changkyun hangs up. 

At least now, he can scratch all the _what ifs_ and _maybes_.


	12. Chapter 12

Hoseok doesn't even try to use the muscles in his face to form a smile when he joins Hyungwon in the library, and Hyungwon only gives him a quick glance like it’s any other Monday afternoon and Hoseok didn't take a break for a whole week.

"Welcome back," Hyunwon whispers, his focus already back on the book in front of him. "You still don't look well," he adds, turning a page, and Hoseok just hums in reply, taking the seat in front of him.

He still feels kind of distant, not really there, not really himself. Tired. But there's an essay that needs to be written and thoughts that need to be distracted, so he opens his laptop. "What did I miss?" he asks, keeping his voice low.

"Let's see…,” Hyungwon leans back. “Neuropsych got cancelled… I had too much coffee twice… and Jun’s presentation about psychological habituation wasn't that bad. You would've liked his approach.”

“Oh? Is the script online, yet?” Hoseok goes to his bookmarks, clicking on a link to the university’s website.

“Guess not,” Hyungwon replies. “But I can send you my notes later.”

Hoseok raises an eyebrow at Hyungwon. “You took notes during a presentation?”

Hyungwon shrugs. “Was kinda bored without you.”

“That’s cute,” Hoseok says with the corners of his mouth lifting after all, but Hyungwon looks up from his book again with a frown.

“You know what’s not _cute_? When you don’t reply to my texts. I hate it,” he grumbles. “I never know how bad it is and it freaks me out.”

Hoseok sighs. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Whatever,” Hyungwon mutters, his eyes back on the book. “You do what you have to do. It’s not like I’m not used to it. But maybe you should know that your wolf boy also didn’t seem too happy about your sudden absence. I saw him pouting after statistics.”

Hoseok hums, acknowledging this information as nonchalantly as possible, but his chest feels tight.

“He’s here by the way,” Hyungwon continues. “Sitting somewhere in the back. Maybe you wanna say hi.”

No, Hoseok doesn’t want to.

He also doesn’t want his eyes to wander off to the further back of the study hall, spotting Changkyun so quickly near the windows as if they’ve known he’s been there all along, and he’s so damn cute... wearing thin framed glasses Hoseok has never seen on him before and a pen dangling down from his lips... For once, he’s not playing with his phone but seems completely absorbed in the book he’s reading. It suits him so well, this diligent look. He’s such a handsome student...

And of course Kihyun is sitting right next to him, nudging him. They bicker playfully until someone shushes them and Changkyun hands the glasses over to Kihyun with a grin. 

They chat while Kihyun puts his glasses back on, and Changkyun leans over, his arm around Kihyun's chair, before he starts explaining something from the papers on their desk to him, and Hoseok finally averts his gaze because how tight can his chest possibly feel before this part too will finally start to feel numb?

“I talked to him on the phone,” he says, his eyes back on the screen in front of him. “Hyunwoo, I mean,” he adds because he doesn’t want to talk about Changkyun.

Hyungwon leans back again, crossing his arms. “What did he say?”

“That he knows it’s quite the journey, but he’d really appreciate it if we’d make it to the wedding,” Hoseok tries it with an encouraging smile, but Hyungwon still frowns at him.

“Did you at least give him some hell for being a stupid coward?”

“Mhm,” Hoseok lies, moving the cursor on the screen without a goal.

Because he actually didn’t feel like Hyunwoo had done anything wrong. He just took his time, maybe a little too long, but that happens when you don’t know what to say and there’s a chance that someone might get hurt. Hyunwoo probably felt guilty enough for moving on so fast, but even that is nothing Hoseok would want to scold him for… They've been growing apart for long enough...

Still, it’s only natural to be taken aback when you find out your first love is marrying someone else. It’s like being suddenly aware of an alternative universe that you had left without any chances of going back...

Except, _it was you who left first_ , Hoseok thought, running a thumb over their photo from seventh grade when Hyunwoo picked up.

“Seokah…”

“Hey,” Hoseok cleared his throat, “I heard great news. Congrats,” he said, trying hard to sound cheerful, but he must have failed.

Hyunwoo sighed. “I’m sorry I wasn't the one telling you.”

Hoseok put the frame back onto the desk. “Was that the reason you haven’t texted for a while?” He sat down on the bed, feeling his hand on the phone start to turn cold. “Because you didn’t know how to tell me that you're starting your own family now?”

“Yeah, I… found my happiness here… I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize for that,” Hoseok heard himself saying, but Hyunwoo sighed again.

“Listen Seokah, I know you were hoping I’d return eventually…” Hyunwoo’s voice was sad, but still calm and steady. It made Hoseok wonder if this unfamiliar feeling was a byproduct of the distance of the call, or if they had actually become something like strangers already...

“And I thought about it many times,” Hyunwoo continued. “But my mother would’ve started suffocating me again. I wouldn’t be able to live like that again. I’m sorry if you’ve been still waiting for me… I really should’ve told you sooner…”

“I told you not to apologize,” Hoseok repeated while laying down on the mattress, staring at the ceiling. “And I wasn’t particularly waiting,” he admitted, contemplating his next words. “I met someone…”

“Oh…” Hyunwoo fell silent, hesitating. “Is it serious?”

“I guess I hoped it wouldn’t be,” Hoseok exhaled, almost amused about this realization. “But I still kinda fell really hard for him.”

“Then… I want you to bring him to the wedding."

Hoseok chuckled. “I wish it was that easy.” He put an arm over his eyes. “It’s just of temporary nature.”

“Back then… you didn’t like uhm... temporary things…” Hyunwoo stated, hesitating again. “Did that change?”

“No, but I don’t know... maybe I’ll make an exception for him.”

“Seokah,” Hyunwoo exhaled. “I don’t know what to say. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fi-”

“Don’t lie to me,” Hyungwon huffs, pulling Hoseok out of his thoughts. “I bet you even agreed to be his best man, didn’t you?”

“Don’t be silly,” Hoseok says, grabbing Hyungwon’s book. “What are you reading there?” He takes a look at the title, _Gender identity disorder in adolescence and adulthood_ , and raises a brow, but Hyungwon already snatched the book out of his hands.

“I didn’t choose to read that shit,” he grumbles. “I’d actually like to burn all those ICD-10 based studies on gender incongruence. They’re so outdated I wanna barf every time I see the words gender and disorder close to each other.”

Hoseok hums in agreement, propping his head on a hand. “Didn’t even the WHO recently retract the classification of gender dysphoria as a mental illness?”

“Yeah, but you know, officially, ICD-11 won’t come into effect before 2022, and even then, it’s still not 100% confirmed where gender incongruence will be listed outside of the mental disorder category."

"But there must be plenty of studies that led to the WHO's decision, so why aren't you reading those?"

"My prof wants me to include a passage about the historical development of transgender diagnosis, and you can bet your ass I will put a lot of emphasis on our society's unhealthy fixation on genitals and the resulting negligence of non-binary people later on."

"Is that the title of your essay?" Hoseok grins. "It's so passive aggressive. I like it."

"Don’t make fun of me. I know you think I'm biased because of Minhyuk."

"I think you're _passionate_ because this topic affects someone you love. I would never make fun of it."

“No, you’re just, _once again_ , using _my_ mess to distract from _yours_ ,” Hyungwon huffs. “So why aren’t you going over to wolf boy? Scared the pretty one will try to bite your hands off again?”

“No, I decided to keep my hands to myself,” Hoseok replies, again as nonchalantly as possible, while his eyes already betrayed him, skipping back to the windows where Changkyun and Kihyun seem to pack up their stuff... 

Watching them leave, Hoseok is more than aware that he could still walk over and exchange a few words, making sure they’d stay friends, but why would he want that when he actually wants something else, something he can’t have. The realization hit him hard when Changkyun had asked him to pick him up again. 

Because Changkyun is used to getting drunk and calling people whenever he feels like hooking up, and it doesn't really matter how well Hoseok had analyzed Changkyun’s patterns or how much he came to understand his reasons, in the end it wouldn’t change the fact that Changkyun feels uncomfortable when people start to expect more from him.

And Hoseok wanted more.

He wanted much more than just another weekend and a lingering fear that afterwards, Changkyun might not call again. He knows Changkyun's initial excitement will fade away. He'll grow bored of what Hoseok is willing to give, and then he'll look for someone else, no strings attached…

_“Can you come and pick me up?”_

Hoseok suddenly couldn’t imagine touching him again. He didn’t want to be intimate with someone who would leave him after another night or two, a casual thing that had already started to feel wrong as soon as he was voicing his thoughts to Hyunwoo...

He doesn’t want to watch Changkyun walk out of his life, leaving another empty spot behind like it’s no big deal. He’d rather pretend that Changkyun hasn’t yet claimed everything that has been left of that sieve in his chest and it's still possible to walk away first.

So, he closes his laptop. “I think I’ll head to the gym.”

“What? But you just got here,” Hyungwon frowns at him again. “Are you vanishing again?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll text back,” Hoseok says, grabbing the laptop. “Promise,” he adds before leaving towards the exit of the study hall.

But he didn’t expect to find Changkyun in the same row of lockers, putting a jacket on.

It makes Hoseok halt for a second, though, he doesn’t exactly know what else to do but to approach his own locker and saying “hey,” before unlocking the door. They will keep running into each other on campus anyway. Better to get used to it now.

And a moment later Changkyun replies with a deep “hi," filling Hoseok’s chest with regret that forces him to put up another wall. But still...

“Did you get home safely? Friday night, I mean,” he asks because it has been bothering him a lot.

“Yeah, sure,” Changkyun says, pulling his backpack out of the locker. “I managed.”

“Glad to hear,” Hoseok states, quickly stowing his laptop into his own backpack, shouldering it on his left. “Then, take care,” he adds, closing the door and turning away to leave.

But Changkyun’s locker smashes shut.

“So that’s really it?” Changkyun asks when Hoseok turns back to him. “You’re really done with me?”

Hoseok is too surprised to reply, and Changkyun snorts. “Great.”

“Did you have fun at least?” he adds. “Pretending like you’d care? Playing with me? Doing all those things to me just to drop me as soon as you get bored? Must be nice when sex doesn’t affect you at all. So maybe you’re the real fuckboy of this stupid chaptered fic,” Changkyun huffs, trying to keep his tone low, but Hoseok can actually see him shaking.

“Kyunah, wha-”

“Forget it,” Changkyun cuts in while shouldering his backpack. “Have a good life,” he says, heading for the doors, and Hoseok acts without thinking, grabbing his arm.

“Are you upset because I didn’t jump when you called?”

“I’m _upset_ ,” Changkyun frowns, pulling his arm free. "Because this is my first heartbreak,” he says, glaring at him, and Hoseok is once again lost for words. Things don’t make sense, and Changkyun clicks his tongue as if disappointed.

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll get over it,” he mutters more to himself and about to leave, but that’s not what Hoseok wants, so he grabs one of the straps on Changkyun’s backpack.

“Wait,” he whispers, unable to form any coherent thoughts while his heart is beating too loud to understand anything. “Didn’t you say… I mean, you didn’t even fall for Kihyun, then why would you-”

Changkyun groans. “Why is everyone coming at me with Kihyun?! I feel like even Kihyun is irritated that I didn’t fall for him. I don’t fucking know, okay?! I don’t know the hows and whys! I just know that I’ve never felt like this before and that I feel like shit because you don’t feel the same for me!”

That’s all Hoseok needs to hear before pulling him into his arms. “Kyunah,” he exhales into his hair, and Changkyun snorts.

“Aren’t you the worst?” he mutters into the fabric of Hoseok’s hoodie. “Don’t be so fucking cruel trying to comfort me right now,” he says in a muffled tone, still holding on to him, and Hoseok buries his nose into the crook of Changkyun's neck.

“I’m sorry, baby woof,” he whispers against Changkyun’s skin, his scent so painfully familiar, he can’t help but tighten his hold.

“Please don’t-” Changkyun starts, trying to push away, but Hoseok interrupts him.

“I feel the same...”

“What?” Changkyun halts.

“I’m head over heels for you...”

Changkyun pushes enough distance between them so they can look at each other. "But when I called, you didn't want to see me…"

“I _couldn’t_ see you,” Hoseok exhales. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to let you go again, and it turns out I’m not that good at watching people leave…”

“Then you should’ve just fucking asked me to stay.”

“I didn’t dare to hope you would...”

“If you knew how you’re making my knees weak you’d never had a single doubt,” Changkyun averts his gaze, and Hoseok feels like dying because shy Changkyun is really the best...

“Kyunah, I want to kiss you…” he says, his hand cupping Changkyun's cheek, turning his head carefully to face him, and when their eyes meet again, Changkyun leans back against the lockers.

"There we go… my stupid knees again…"

"Is that a yes," Hoseok chuckles, leaning in.

“Only if you’re really serious about me,” Changkyun whispers, his eyes already almost closed. “I’m actually done fooling around...”

"Deal," Hoseok grins against Changkyun’s lips, and Changkyun finally puts his arms around Hoseok's neck, pulling him in.

"Kyunah, we can go," Kihyun's voice sounds from the other end of the lockers. "Are you fucking kidding me?! You're in public, you stupid lovebirds," he groans, and Hoseok feels Changkyun chuckle against his lips.


End file.
